Missy: Part 1 of 3

Girls are crafty. They have this way of manipulating a situation so that they look like angels. They keep all these back doors available just in case they have to bail out of an awkward situation. Missy is no exception.

As far as I knew, the next time I would get to see Missy was going to be Tuesday for our date in which I was supposed to have some kind of surprise planned. Missy had designs for me though, and this is how she played her hand.

Armed with my business card, she decided to send me an email. The following are excerpts from the actual email thread:

Missy:
Hey Guy
Just wanted to see if the phony email on your phony business card works.

Uh huh. This girl wants to go out for platonic drinks, with a bar patron, and she has a boyfriend. The kind of girl you want to bring home to momma.

This guy:
Hey Missy. Well I hope you didn't get into any kind of trouble that night. Your boy seems pretty territorial. I walked past him and he was looking at me pretty hard. Well because I'm such a nice guy, and because I don't want to give you any undue stress, I give you the option to opt out of our "platonic" meeting for drinks. Even though I fulfilled my end of the bargain, and proved beyond the shadow of a doubt (see business card) I can see that a get out of jail free card might be necessary here. If you do think you can swing it, then Tuesday it is and we'll have drinks (platonically). If all else fails… we'll see ya at the bar.

Missy:
I know he's a little territorial, but that’s cuz he knows he's got somethin good here and he doesn’t want me leaving him. He doesn’t even want me talking to any guys. He hates that I’m a bartender. I told him he just has to deal with it. We bump heads a lot because I don’t listen to a word he says and I think he is used to other girls doing whatever he says. Anyway, he was mad that night cuz he said - who’s that guy lookin at me? He said you were laughing at him and disrespecting him.

Ok? So she’s still acknowledging her dude, there is no room for false assumptions and she can always pull the “I told you I had a man” card. There’s a backdoor. Her man clearly complains about how I was laughing at him and disrespecting him, referring to the time I said I had that “nigga” beat, yet she disregards his feelings and continues…

So I guess I can still meet up with you. Since you held up your part of the deal and since it is only friendly drinks. What are you doing tonight? I’m going to my boyfriends house for dinner but I should be home kinda early. I work tonight. I don’t know how late you stay out, but you should come by if you can..

Grimy. That’s some scandalous shit, but Jay assures me I shouldn’t care. It’s not really my problem, right? I mean I do feel guilty, I don’t like being the dirty little secret or the other man, but whatever, doing all this made Angelika an afterthought. It was therapeutic.

This guy:
Yikes, sounds like a hand full. Jealousy is an ugly trait. It's based in distrust and to date I haven't been able to figure out how to make a relationship work without trust. But that’s just me, it works well for others.

There I go again. I thought I had no game and here I am selling myself like a car salesman. “Have you seen the new 2005 model of ‘this guy?’ It’s guaranteed not to violate trust for 100,000 miles or 10 years, whichever comes first.”

Sorry for getting him mad, I didn’t think I was looking and disrespecting, in fact I barely remember what he looked like because I glanced over at him for like .00000462 seconds, the rest of the time I was showing Bailey magic tricks. Anyhow, I’ll be around tonight. Don't get your boy pissed, I come in peace.

My little brother Julian always told me to be sarcastic. It makes them laugh, it lightens the mood, and it makes you a sarcastic asshole, which in its own way is a back door. I can’t believe I was sinking to this level and playing her game.

Missy:
Yeah jealousy is very ugly. One of the things I hate most about men. See to you later!!!

That was a very busy night for me, I had all kinds of prior engagements but I told myself I would stop buy Missy’s bar at the end of the night. I wrapped up what I had to do, called Bailey, and asked him to meet me at Missy’s bar. Bailey thought my approach was too much too soon but knowing that I wouldn’t budge on visiting missy, he made a suggestion to only come in for an hour, have a couple of beers, and leave. Not a bad idea at all.

See one thing I have learned is that sometimes less is more. I am the kind of person that likes to indulge NOW. I can be very impatient. If it was up to me my life would be fast forwarded to the point that I do meet the right one, end this blog, run the big reveal where you get to see what me, the right girl, and my close friends actually look like, what our names actually are, and I get to live happily ever after. But no, it doesn’t work that way. You have to live through every effing version of a time cliché before that happens. I have to “give it time” because “time heals all wounds” and “in due time” the right one will come into my life. Time time time time time. Blah.

So Bailey and I visit Missy’s bar, we flirt, we drink, and we leave one hour later. Exactly according to plan.

The next day I go to work and can you guess what I have in my email inbox? That’s right, an email from missy.

Missy:
So what’s with the tease last night? How you gonna come in for 5 minutes. I was crying all night when you left.

It worked. I know I make Bailey out to be a moron sometimes, but he really is one of the smartest people I know. He is, after all, the Ivy Leaguer of the bunch.

So are you excited about Tuesday? I don’t think I’ve ever had platonic drinks with anyone. You better have a good plan. The more fun I’m having, the longer I can convince myself to stay so the pressure is on! How’s work? Made any sales today? I bet you’re the best telemarketer they have.

Two things happening here. First she is trying to get a read on my motives. My motives are simple, hang out with her, see how it flows, either she digs me or she doesn’t. I don’t have this persuasive smooth talking power that some do. Secondly, I assure you I am no telemarketer. This is her attempt at sarcasm. Looks like we are playing each others games now.

This guy:
I'm sorry to be such a tease. Next time you cry, save the tears in a jar for me, I know this great recipe that calls for "hottie tears." I'll let you try it some time.

How gay was that? Hottie tears? Seriously did I say that? Since when do I use lines like that? Never. Except for this time. Sorry to put you through it but I had to keep it in to maintain the integrity of this blog.

Am I excited about Tuesday? Sure, I get to take your platonic drinks virginity. It’s every little boys dream to take a girl out for drinks platonically. I got a plan, don't worry… (I got like 5 days). Not feelin the pressure of convincing you to stay, I got bill Clinton charisma, as long as you know how to banter, we're good. Plus, with all the fun filled activities I will have planned, I can always bust out the play-doh and keep you captivated for hours.

Telemarketer, huh smart ass?

Hey, I want to redeem some Amex Gold Card points, can your boy help me out? I think his number is on the back of my card, who do I ask for?

Yes, that was a blatant attack on her man. I had to resort to it to maintain my dignity. She called me a telemarketer, I had to remind her she had a lame-o boyfriend.

Missy:
Hahahaha ask for Derek. he should be able to help you. And I'm the smart ass?? What is Bill Clinton charisma?? Haha. Good thing you got play-doh. I love that stuff. So any chance you have to gonna be by the bar tonight?

By this time it’s pretty much an unspoken truth that something, boyfriend or not, is going to come of this. I mean she is clearly flirting, she is receptive to all my lame ass comments, and she keeps wanting to see me before this platonic date.

This guy:
What time you workin till? This is what I got tonight… I got happy hour with the homies from 6-7, I got dinner with a vendor (not some rich lady that pays me for sex) at 7:30 till probably 9:30ish, then if I'm not loaded by then, I got an opening.

Missy:
When is dinner with the rich lady that pays you for sex again?? How much does she pay anyway? I will be there till sometime between 2 and 4 depending on how busy it is. So try not to get too loaded with the homies and maybe I will see you later. If not I will just have to text you incessantly until you come.

Like I said in the emails above that night was action packed. Before I continue, let me take the time to introduce one new person to this whole mess as you will hear more about her in upcoming posts. Her name is Chip. That was not a typo, I did say “her” and I did say “Chip.” Let me explain, Chip is Jay’s college buddy from back in the day. We became acquainted through Jay and eventually became a tight little co-ed group. Our typical gatherings consisted of Chip bitching about her man, or Chip and I making fun of Jay when he was trying to run college game on unsuspecting young ladies. Jay at some point had a thing for Chip, Chip had a thing for shitty boyfriends, and I had a thing for the juicy gossip that came of it all. The relationship was symbiotic and parasitic all at once. So that’s the back story, now on to how she got the nick name Chip.

Chip is a bit of a tard. She’s a hottie but a little clumsy and isn’t short of being quirky. Well one night while out with Jay and fellow college friends, Chip, in her sober mind, decided to take a piggy back ride atop a drunken pig, or in this case her deliriously drunk friend. Sounded like a brilliant idea, I’m sure, but as he began to walk, the drunk dude started wobbling (imagine that) and lost his balance. Chip along with friend, came tumbling down where luckily her face broke her fall. Thank god for teeth, because without them she probably would have slammed gum first into the concrete. The 2 front teeth connected first, shattered, and softened the blow for the rest of her face. I wasn’t there to personally witness this, but when I found out, then when I saw her, the name Chip was born. She has been called, and introduced as Chip ever since. She don’t like it too much but, sometimes we just have to play the cards we’re dealt.

So that night, Jay, Chip, Morgan (acquaintance of mine and friend of chip), Kofa, and I started happy hour at that same midtown bar that we met Paige and Hannah at. The reason we decided to convene there was because One: we needed a happy hour and Two: We now knew Paige who works there and well, who know’s? The closer we get to Paige, the closer we get to Hannah and whatever other friends they might have. So we were basically killing 2 birds with one stone.

I managed to wrangle Paige from her super busy schedule to talk to her a bit. She seemed relieved to not have to be working and happy to see me. We talked for a little while then I left her to her work. I guess I didn’t really want to do anything more than become cool with her. She is a cool girl, she does work at a bar, and she can hook us up. It never hurts to know people in power.

Kofa brought one of his girlie pieces. Kofa happens to have like 8 girls that he is working on at any given time. I’m not sure where on the “basketball team” of girls that this one fell on, but she was pleasant.

So we all hung out there for a little while and before we knew it, it was time to head over to the dinner with the vendor. Chip and Morgan stayed and as a little side note she managed to get the phone number of some dude who was persistent as a motherfucker. Big surprise, a girl walks into a bar walks out with number, a guy… well he has to coerce it out of her with trick like taking her picture and sending it to her phone. Anyhow I decided to take Jay along as he is a lawyer and it wasn’t very much of a stretch to have him pretend he was part of my company’s legal council.

Jay and I arrived at the dinner, got wined and dined, listened to some talk about their product, then we did the chummy thing where the sales people act like your buddies and talk to you about baseball and other trivial shit and after 3 hours we wrapped it up. I was pretty wasted by this point...so was Jay.

We leave the restaurant and make our way up to Missy’s bar. I had my very own plan this time. No help from the steering committee, it was all me. My plan was to go in there, show her exactly how drunk I was, give her my keys, and this time actually get her to give me a ride home.

I am so far out of character when I do all this, but I must admit it is a little fun. I mean I could spend my time sulking over the loss of my sweet Angelika, or I can spend my time constructively (or destructively depending on how you look at it) going out and sampling some of life’s adventures.

I recently spoke with a dear friend of mine from high school. Lola was a tall, leggy, kinda awkward athlete. She was very cool and it was only a matter of time before we ran into each other. At some point in the high school story I found myself liking her, she found herself liking me, we found ourselves liking each other. For some reason it just never worked out. Come to think of it, she is taller than me and that probably would have saved me from being curious about these tall Amazonians that I have had such catastrophic luck with thus far. I would have probably known about the added weight factor and so forth… anyhow, I digress.

For one reason or another our couplehood never came to fruition but we have remained great friends to date. So I was telling her about my dating misadventures and I was seeking some kind of resolve. Some good old fashioned rural advice. I guess I was asking the big “Why?” Why was I meeting these weirdo’s? Why does dating suck? Why can’t I find a good girl? And you know what? She gave me some solid advice. She grounded me for a second there. She knew me from high school when I was living out in the sticks and city life was a pipe dream, and she took me back to my roots…

“Well Guy, just go with your usual charm, awkard as it might be sometimes” She said with a laugh. “I think all of this is too funny, mostly because I haven't seen you at all, except that one time, since high school, so I’m picturing ‘this guy’ from high school with all of this.”

Needless to say she was thoroughly enjoying my complete stupidity and unrelenting lameness.

“I’m just this guy from highschool with his hands fuller than a mofo!” I said calmly as I took a moment to think about what she had just said.

“See that is so cute......I totally liked that guy in high school...but I too was weird and awkward.”

“Well weird and awkward has its place in the world.”

“I agree....it has worked for me all these years!!!!”

If I really think about it I was just this guy from highschool. The kid that was a little more patient and would rather wait for the right time or the right one. The kid that did like getting to know a girl before having her as a girlfriend. What I never really knew was that there was some kind of awkward charm to it. That is who I am and that’s the guy I want to introduce to “the one.”

Lola is considered “hottie” by modern day terms. She has the whole story, awkward in highschool, but went on to become a tall leggy athletic blond with a good job and a killer personality. A normal chick that once was turned on by my awkward charm, so her words were inspiring.

Well those words resonated with me as I entered Missy’s bar. I was sticking to plan, but I was going to be me at the end of the night.

Stay tuned as the rest of the story unfolds. God sided with me on this one and for once things were going according to plan. I couldn’t help but think he had something up his sleeve though. My instincts were right… he had something for me alright...