Thanksgiving in Florida: Part 1

Florida:

I arrive in Orlando on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. The weather is amazing and I was feeling great about being there. This in many ways is home for me. I spent my formative years here. This is where I became well acquainted with the night life, met amazing Dj’s and musicians, and forged friendships that would last a lifetime. My pop picked me up from the airport and we began to catch up like one can only do in person.

I knew this trip had great adventures on the way because my brother, the social being that he is, always has some crazy shit planned. I was also supposed to meet up with Ashlyn, a former stripper with a voracious sexual appetite and lust for the party. She “cleared” her schedule for me and I was obligated to spend time with her. The outlook was good... Not too shabby.

I make my way back to the old house and greet the rest of my family; my 2 brothers, my older sister, and my mother. I set down my stuff, and I quickly settle into the sarcastic, loud, and obnoxious tone that our family is famously known for.

First to greet me? My momma.

Ma: “Hey Baby,” she says holding my cheeks “what do you want to eat. I will cook for you.”

This Guy: “I don’t know ma, I’m not really that hungry, I’ll rock whatever you make later.”

Ma: “Ok. “

This guy: “Wow ma, the floor looks so nice!”

Ma: “You like it? The man who did it did a really good job.”

This guy: “I love it!”

Ma: “You know your momma. Only the best!”


Next? My Sister Julietta


Julietta: “Hey guy, good to see you.” She said giving me a hug.

This guy: “Good to see you too! Your hair looks nice like that.”

Julietta: “Thank you, I like it darker too.”


Last? My Brother Julien


This guy: “What up Jules! What the dilly yo?

Julien: “What up… Guuuuuy! You ready to do it big?”

The sly smile that came across his face could only have meant that he had some crazy shit planned.

This guy: “What you got?”

Julien: “Yo, this shit is gonna be off the chain son! We rented limo. We’re doing it big. You’re not ready. You’re not ready.”

This guy: “Nigga YOU’RE not ready.”

Julien: “HA HAAH!”

That was not a laugh. That was quite literally him going “HA HAAH!” as his voice ascends in pitch.

Julian is a key player in his circle of friends. He has a ton of friends, and he’s always the center of attention. Maybe that’s just my perspective but if you didn’t know any better it would seem like he runs shit. All his little female friends love him and that just serves to inflate his already gigantic ego.

I take my stuff upstairs and walk into my old room. Now I would like to say that I walked in and things were exactly as I left them. I would like to say that my sweet mother hadn’t changed a thing because she knew that when I came home I would be her little boy back in his little room. I would love to say all that, but I can’t because my mother doesn’t sit still for shit. My room looked like a Caesar’s Palace novelty room. A California king size bed with big ol’ palatial posts and lush comforters and sheets with high thread counts. And you know what I say every time I come back home? “Wow ma, the room looks nice!” Because every time I come back home the room looks completely different.

When siblings leave the house, my mother breathes a sigh of relief as she can now finally redecorate the room and repaint it and re-carpet it and regurgitate everything she learned on The Learning Channel. But you know what? Every time I go home, it feels like home.

Anyhow, I drop my stuff, go back downstairs, grab some food and begin to banter with the fam. We started getting excited about what the night was supposed to bring. This was going to be the first time me, and all my siblings would hang out in Orlando, more specifically, in a Limo in Orlando.

Julietta had lived for ages in Las Vegas, so partying is in her blood. She was excited and ready to rock out. She is the oldest of the siblings so being in her company is a lot of fun as she is closest in age to me and can relate to me at a much older and wiser level. We both knew that we would be partying with a mix of late teens and early twenty something’s and found that to be the main attraction of the night. It was as if we were both reliving our younger more irresponsible days.

Slowly but surely the kids started pouring into the house. Julien with his masterful laziness had arranged so that our house was the limo pick up spot, everyone was to meet there. As an added bonus, my more reclusive brother, Ethan, had decided to join the party as well. This was a full on reunion.

Everyone started gathering in the kitchen. Julien and Ethan, who are only one year apart were greeting their friends and pouring drinks. Julietta and I hung around the periphery judging his friends ruthlessly. Julietta and I have always been able to connect in evil ways, and poking fun at Julien’s friends that night was that connection.

As the pre-drinking commenced we started getting louder and more excited. I had bought myself a bottle of Jack Daniels and was already on my 3rd Jack on the rocks. Julien’s friends were all sipping on gay cocktails and beer, mostly because they were in their early 20’s and have yet to figure out the mysteries of drinking. Bourbon was still gross to them. When asked “How the hell do you drink that shit on the rocks?” by the rookie drinkers I simply responded “You know what I love about Jack Daniels? That it comes pre-mixed, just add ice.”

Those words rang through their young furtive minds like those of a sage spilling his wisdom to his pupils. If I am making them seem like young, semi-retarded children with fake ID’s, it’s completely on purpose, because to me, no matter how old they really are, no matter how mature they really are, they will always be my little brothers friends and in my mind, my little brother is still 8 years old. I like to say that I’m respectfully condescending.

In all honesty though, they are the funnest bunch a kids one could ever hang out with. I suppose I am envious in ways because they all love to party together and the times that ensue can only be characterized as wild.

To pass time a little quicker, Julietta and I decided to play the “who does this person look like game.” That’s where you pick a person and try to find a matching celebrity. This can usually be pretty insulting but it was all in the name of good fun. We managed to find 2 Anna Nicole Smiths, 1 Backstreet boy, and 2 of the Gotti children from the show ‘Growing up Gotti.” The night was young and the sarcastic asshole in both of us was sharp and ready to cut. Sarcasm is a defining trait in our family and Julien had gotten it down to a science. During a smoke break I encountered on of Julien's friends.

“Hey how’s it going man, I’m Julien’s older brother.”

“I know you; I met you a couple years ago. You don’t remember me?”

“Ahh yes, before you hit puberty.” I said still not having a clue when I met him or if I even recognized him.

“Wow, you are just like Julien only older.” He said with a laugh.

“Julien is just like me!” I responded.

I finished my smoke and went back inside. By this time we had everybody in the house. Equal amount of guys as there were girls. We were only waiting for the limo. Julietta and I and were done playing the “who does this person look like” game and were ready to party. Before long, the limo arrived and we all began to pile in. Julietta and I entered and made our way toward the front of the limo. We sat together near one of Julien’s ex-girlfriends; Maggie. She was almost like family to us because she made her way into all our hearts with her simple, almost lost, personality. She’s a little bit of an airhead, but she is a sweet heart. Julien, much like me, contains the “remain friends with your exes” gene. We started talking and joking around. She was a cool girl when she dated him and not much had really changed since they broke up what must have been 4 years earlier.

Everybody was in the limo and drinking. The limo driver refused to close the privacy window so we were subjected to the no smoking rules. Maggie took it upon herself to fix the situation. She leaned through the privacy window and asked the limo driver if we could smoke. After some smooth talking and bribing, she managed to afford us the right to smoke weed. The limo driver was dead set against cigarette smoke, but he let us smoke week without a problem. I, myself, am not a pothead, so I didn’t partake, but the rest of the 20 something’s were blazing like a Florida wild fire.

What did I do? Sipped on more Jack while I tried to manage the contact high. Julietta did the same.

The limo was to take us to down town Orlando where the plan was to hit Nikki club. I had another agenda. I used to Dj down town and I had plenty of friends to meet up with. My great friend Dj Clive was spinning at Element30 and all my other homies had gone down there to hang. I invited everyone in the limo to come along, but I knew house music wasn’t really their thing. A few followed me, my brother and sister included and we all got in without a problem. The rest went to Nikki Club.

Already pretty trashed, I made my way back to the DJ booth where I saw the usual suspects. Seeing my old friends brought back a surge of memories and ridiculous times that reminded me exactly how much I was engrained in Orlando.

This guy: “What’s up SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!”

Ayden: “SCOOOOOOOOB!!!”

Ayden and I once went to the winter music conference in Miami and roomed together. I had a cold and sounded like Shaggy so the running joke was that we called each other scoob in celebration of our cartoon like friendship. We still do it. I know, it’s gay, but that’s what we do.

Ayden is a tall lanky metrosexual with thinning hair but style that can fall under the category of “Fabulous” or “Punk Rock.” Either/or… doesn’t matter he likes to call it “giggin.” Ayden and I met a while back when he was first starting to break into the music scene. He ended up becoming Clive’s number one groupie and eventually we all became friends. He started collaborating with a bunch of people and eventually carved a name out for himself. He’s the musician of the bunch. Ayden always has to be the center of attention, which is great because he’s funny as hell. He’s sharp, he’s witty, and he’s an all around good person.

Ayden: “Good to see ya scoob.”

This guy: “Yah man, it’s always a pleasure.”

Ayden: “So how ZIT going?” He says pointing to the middle of his forehead.

Ayden likes to make fun of me for some zits I used to get way back.

This guy: “Good man, it’s good to see you ROGAIN!” I said making fun of his dangerously thin hair.

Ayden: “Hey you’re a ZITicen right?”

This guy: “Yah my pop had the presence of mind to COMB OVER when he was young. I was raised here, why do you ask?”

Ayden: “It probably wasn’t very PIMPLE was it?”

This guy: “Well he probably had TUPEE a lot, so I can’t imagine it was.”

Deadpan delivery. This is so normal, we don’t even flinch anymore. We always agree that the next time we see each other we are going to punch one another then hug, because often we cross the line. This was tame compared to some of the other ones we’ve gotten into.

The next guy I see is good ol’ Tom. Tom the ‘light man’ is what I called him. He used to be the lighting guy at a big club that I DJ’d at. He’s a weirdo but we love him. Very stoic and dry, but a good person none the less. When he goes out to the club, it’s strictly to drink and stand by the DJ booth like a security guard. He don’t move, he just stands there. He don’t dance or bop his head, he just stands there. Occasionally he will wave you over and tell you to listen to the song, but that’s about it. Either way, I walk up to him, give him a big hug, and say what’s up!

This guy: “What up Tommy?”

Tommy: Hey guy, good to see you man. This place is pumpin. It’s early still, but you should have seen it last week, it was nutz!”

For some reason every time I come to Element30, I miss the insanely packed week before. Don’t get me wrong, every time I have been there it has been a thick crowd, but Tommy always catches the party where you couldn’t move and it’s always the week before I get there.

This guy: “So it was crazy huh? I miss this place man. I miss this music.”

Tommy: “Dude, it was so packed in here you couldn’t even walk.”

This guy: “Damn man, wish I was here a week earlier, well I’m here for a week so maybe next Saturday it will be crazy again.”

Tommy: “Don’t you wish you lived here again?”

He always does that. He loves to sell Orlando to people. He Is convinced that New York doesn’t compare to Orlando because of the music scene. I disagree, and so do 9 million other people, but that’s just us.

This guy: “Yah man I miss it. Gimme a few more years in New York and who knows…”

I don’t really have the heart to tell him Orlando sucks.

Tommy: “I’ll buy you a drink.”

This guy: “Cool, let me say hi to Clivey first.”

I walk into the DJ booth and there he was. My partner in crime. The single most influential person in my Dj career. This kat was pretty much responsible for every gig I ever got in Orlando and he’s a full on staple of the down-town scene.

Clive spots me first…

“GUUUY!!!!”

“What’s cookin Clive?”

“Not much man, just rockin out!”

“Pretty hot shit man, look at this crowd. I miss this shit man.”

I really did miss the crowd. I missed Dj’ing. I missed all the trouble we got into.

“It’s weird because sometimes it’s slow, and other times it rocks, it kinda just ebbs and flows.” He said screaming overtop the music.

“Well it looks like I picked a good night to come out man!”

“Yeah man, it should be pretty good.”

With that I left him to the turntables, he was about to start making a mix and I was about to grab a drink. I was already pretty dunk but a drink still seemed like a good idea.

This is where it gets a little crazy. Tommy ends up buying me a drink. I kill it. Then I go to the bar with Ayden and we order drinks on Clive’s tab (with his consent) and kill those. Before long it was later in the night and my sister decided she was going to head over to Nikki Club with one of my brothers friends to “Check out the Scene.” She took a couple of people with her. I stayed and drank some more.

I was falling into my usual routine. Here I was hanging out with my younger brother and I was trying to be “cool.” Drunker and drunker I got.

The limo was set to leave in about 45 minutes so I had to leave Element30 to meet up with everyone else at Nikki Club. I said bye to all my peeps knowing I would seem them again later in the week and stumbled over to Nikki Club.

There I found everybody else. I also found the bar and 2 more drinks. This was not going to be a very good night. Everybody rounded up and headed for the limo.

So why am I telling you all this in such great detail if I’ve yet to write about a single girl that has caught my attention?

Reader: “What’s with all the set up Guy?”

This guy: “Well…”

This is about to get pretty interesting. The set up was to illustrate how rapidly I was declining and succumbing to the effect of alcohol, It was to introduce you to characters you will inevitably read about again, and it was to remind you that I was hanging out with a bunch of early 20 something semi-retards that love to drink and have a good time. My brothers friends are my friends and I say “semi-retard” as endearingly as possible. Lastly I want to remind you that I’m heading back into a limo with a bunch of completely inebriated people. The following is some bizarre twilight zone shit.

I climb into the limo and crawl back into the same seat I had before. I found my quarter bottle of Jack Daniels and began to pour myself as well as my sister a drink. I was expecting her to sit next to me again, but she found a better place to sit. Right next to one of my brother’s friends where she could canoodle safely. No biggy, Maggie was sitting next to me and she would be more than happy to take the drink.

The limo was loud and obnoxious. Even my brother Ethan who is normally pretty quiet was in frenzy. I could barely speak or move so I sat back and observed. I watched Julien egg his friends on to do stupid shit for his entertainment. Someone busted the weed out and the limo got even dumber. I was starting to feel ill, so I laid my head back and just chilled out. I couldn’t close my eyes because the spins were severe.

Julien turns to his ex Maggie and says “Go ahead, do it?”

What was he talking about? “Who knows” I thought, I was drunk, the conversation wasn’t for me anyhow.

Suddenly as if she had been waiting all night, she leans over top of me and begins to kiss me. That’s right! Julien’s Ex girlfriend began to eat my face. I was so drunk that I went with it for 3 seconds before I realized just what was going on. I stopped her.

This guy: “Whoa, what are you doing? You’re crazy! Yo Julien, take care of your girl here.”

Julien: “What bro?” He said pretending he didn’t see anything?

Maggie leans in again and manages to steal 9 more seconds. I was stupefied. She was blurry and on me and I was helpless.

This guy: “Yo Julien, what’s going on yo? This is so messed up!” I said half laughing and half delirious.

He looks to Maggie and says “Go ahead kiss him!”

Maggie was taking orders from Julien mostly because she wanted to jump my bones. I was not having it but it was happening. My brother was amusing himself with the fact that he knew I was uncomfortable as fuck with the situation and was too nice (or too drunk) to tell her to stop. This was some seriously dysfunctional shit. You know why my brother didn’t mind? Because he had his hottie girlfriend sitting right next to him. That’s how that fool rolls. In a limo, with a girlfriend and his ex, and he gets his ex to kiss his profoundly drunk brother. Julien was the big winner that night because he had orchestrated some scandalous shit. Thankfully Julietta was completely oblivious to what was happening because she was too busy cuddling with her new friend.

We’d been had. The 2 oldest and supposedly most mature siblings were the 2 at the bottom of the barrel fighting for our dignity. Gotta love them kids.

I eventually got her to stop, passed out in the limo and awoke to the limo driver kicking us out of the limo nearly 1 kilometer away from home. Completely irresponsible of him. Not because we were drunk and had to walk, but because we were 15 of us and those little shits like to start trouble. Not to mention, there was no way I was getting out of that limo. He would have had to pick me up and drop me on the ground and knowing my 2 younger brothers, that would had been justifiable cause to whoop that poor unsuspecting limo drivers ass.

Maggie once again comes to the rescue, talks some sense into the poor bastard and gets us all home safely. I run inside, up the stairs, strip to my undies (which is how you know I was drunk because I never sleep in my undies, I’m a pajama’s kinda guy) and knock out.

Julietta took her new friend over to the couch downstairs and passed out in arms. It was cute (said in the most pukingly disinterested kinda way).

Word was that Maggie was looking for me before she left to say “bye” but never found me.

I awoke the next day with a massive headache and dry mouth. This was day one of my week in Orlando. So now the stage is set. You know the people, you know the place, you know the twisted minds that live in Orlando and best of all you got enough background information to fully appreciate what happens in the days to come.

Stay tuned as I make good on my promise to spend time with Ashlyn, the former stripper with a penchant for This Guy. We meet up at a Strip club, we get drunk, she gets physical… Is it a good thing? For me, usually not. This night was no different.