Thanksgiving in Florida: Part 2

Phone rings.

Ashlyn: “Heeeeey Guy!” She says in her most seductive voice.

This Guy: “Ashlyn… how are you sweetie?”

Ashlyn: “Oh my god, last night was crazy. I got so dunk watching the game with my girlfriend, I feel like shit.”

This Guy: “Oh yeah, rock star night huh?”

Ashlyn: “Totally, what did you do last night?”

This Guy: “My little bro rented a limo and we took it all over town, it was fun!’

Ashlyn: “You took a limo last night? Why didn’t you call me?”

This Guy: “I was so caught up in being here and I had a ton of people I had to see, I wanted to give you a little more attention than that.”

Ashlyn: “Now Guy… that sounds like an excuse to me. You were afraid it was going to get out of hand if I came weren’t you?”

I really kind of was. When she drinks, she goes bananas. Last time I saw her was in New York, she came up to visit and party. It was me and 3 of them. By them I mean her and 2 of her stripper friends. Yes, it was great for the ego, yes it was a blast, yes we got drunk… All I know is that when we were leaving to go home we were all outside trying to grab a cab when took me and pinned me up against a fence and started kissing me… hard. I stopped her, because I was either drunk or gay, told her that I had to run… and jumped in a cab. I like to think I was drunk… everyone else likes to think I’m gay. Truth is, Angelika and I had just broken up and my heart still belonged to her. I couldn’t continue kissing Ashlyn because I felt so awful. I digress.

This Guy: “You? Out of hand? Impossible.”

Ashlyn: “You remember like 5 years ago when I came to New York and we hung out at Miss X?

This Guy: “Yes.”

Ashlyn: “Do you remember how much wine we drank?”

This Guy: ‘Yes, of course.”

Ashlyn: “Do you know that if you weren’t dating Daisy at the time, I would have fucked the shit out of you?”

This Guy: “Yeah, I was kinda feeling the same way.”

No I wasn’t. I just remember wanting to go home that night to hop in the sack with Daisy. Daisy was a fusion girlfriend. 1 Part rebound, 1 Part for real relationship. She is an heiress to a fortune and has never worked a day in her life. We had a lot of fun together and did a lot of great things, but it didn’t work out in the end because she WAS CRAZY! Completely disconnected from reality. The girl was used to having her way all the time and I couldn’t live that way. Se was insanely jealous of the ex before her whom I remain, to this day, best friends with.

Ashlyn: “I knew you were. I KNEW IT! There’s something about you Guy.”

This Guy: “Nah, it’s all an illusion. One day you’ll realize. So anyhow, what’s up for tonight?”

Ashlyn: “That’s why I’m calling you. I have to work until 8 tonight, but we can meet after that.”

This guy: “Aces, my sis and I are going to Royal Harem to get our drink on. You should come through afterwards.”

Royal Harem is where Ashlyn used to dance. It also happens to be where my brother Julien knows a bartender that would hook us up for free. Free booze = Place to hang.

Ashlyn: “Really, I haven’t been there in Ages, sounds like fun. I’ll call you.”

This guy: “Cool, see you there.”

I was still incredibly hung over but that was not going to deter me from meeting up with Ashlyn and finally sealing the deal. I mean it has been 5 years in the making; I owed it to myself and my friends (more specifically Jay, who almost made me sign a promissory note), to complete this seemingly simple task.

I spent the better part of the day asking my momma to make me food and bring me drinks and take care of me like old times.

At around 5 that evening my sister, Julietta and I headed out to the titty bar. Julien was going to meet up with us a little later. We were on a mission to take full advantage of the pre-drink. Thanks to Julien and his friend Conte, whose mom is the bartender that hooks us up; we would surely be able to make the most of it.

Pulling up to the bar was a bit strange for me. I’m not one for booby bars to begin with, but this would be the first time since my break up that I would see all these nude beautiful bodies with the lights on. I wasn’t sure how it was going to affect me, but I was counting on the fact that there was going to be a bit of the trashy sleazy element there to keep me focused on them and not my ex.

We make it in and it was kind of empty. We found a spot right be the catwalk which was positioned like an island in the middle of the room. Conte, who was already there, saw us, came up to us, and took our first drink order.

I waited eagerly to find a stripper I could call my very own. I always go into those bars looking for the one that appeals to me the most so that I can run away with my fantasies. A few girls had killer bodies, especially this one, but she had the battle of epic proportions going on in her mouth. This girl had more teeth than a shark; it was really quite unattractive. Conte, being a regular there, immediately started telling me stories about this girl and I later found out that she had an ill crush on him. Needless to say, she sat next to him pretty much the whole time, guarding the poor kid. If she was a cat she would have pee’d on him. The kid was tagged.

I was on my 3rd drink when I finally saw the dancer that stole my heart. I’m not sure if it was because she was actually hot, or because I had seen so many woofers that, in comparison, she looked like a goddess. She had black hair, dark eyes, pale skin, and some sexy tattoos. I reached into my pocket and grabbed my wad of 1 dollar bills, and headed over to tip her.

She looked into my eyes, gave me cavalier smile, and took my cash. Oh yeah, she was selling the fantasy. I decided to indulge and just pretend for a minute that she really did like me. The minute passed, and I was right back to where I was before, only 1 dollar shorter.

By this time Julien showed up with a few more of his boys. We all began to have good conversation, laughing an joking all the way. It was nearing 8, I still had not heard from Ashlyn. I wasn’t too concerned because hanging with my sibs was just as much fun.

Phone rings.

Ashlyn: “Hey baby, where are you?”

This Guy: “I’m here at Harem, where are you?” I said barely able to hear her over the gay ass music that was playing in this place.

Ashlyn: “I just got off of work, I’m headed over, are you guys still going to be there for a while?”

This Guy: “Yeah, we’re sitting here having a good time enjoying free booze!”

Ashlyn: “Free booze?”

From the sound of her response, one would think she just got turned on. I guess you can’t take the money hungry free loading stripper out of a… well, money hungry free loading stripper.

This Guy: “Yeah free booze. But it’s only for the next few minutes, Conte’s mom is about to end her shift.”

Ashlyn: “I might be able to make it for at least one free drink.”

This Guy: “Hurry up.”

I started to get my first taste of what the night would be like.

Guys, seriously, there is nothing enigmatic about a stripper. Taking one home isn’t some great feat either. These girls are notoriously lonely, money craved, and loaded with baggage. And just so you know, none of them ever actually finish that college that they are paying for with the money they make from dancing. All you have to do is give them a little attention, show ‘em you got a little money, and guess what? You got a titty dancer girlfriend. Then you get to deal with all the problems that ensue. Excessive drinking, partying, the whole getting naked in front of other dudes that grope them, and oh yeah, not being able to celebrate fathers day without them bringing down the mood because daddy didn’t love them. It’s not a fun ride. Well maybe the first night, but that’s it.

Ashlyn finally show’s up. Her hair was a little longer than I remember, but I didn’t particularly care. She started walking over to me, I stood up and started walking over to her. She started running. I stopped. She jumped up. I caught her. And there I was standing with Ashlyn wrapped around me in the middle of a titty bar. Did I mention that strippers like to make grand entrances? If they aren’t noticed by the whole world when they walk into a room, they short circuit. Ashlyn, was no exception.

Ashlyn: “Oh my god so good to see you. I love your hair, it looks so cute.”

It was jut cut feaux hawk style.

This Guy: “Thanks, good to see you too!”

Ashlyn: “Oh my god, so… wow… here you are. Man I always have such a good time with you, lets drink!”

This Guy: “I already got my drink over there,” I said pointing at the table “so why don’t you just go grab one and I’ll meet you at the table.”

Ashlyn: “No more free drinks?”

This Guy: “Nope you just missed it.”

Ashlyn: “Alight, give me a few minutes, I’m gonna walk the room and scam some free drinks. I can probably get the bartender to get some for me and the DJ as well, they all know me… be right back.”

Do you see what I mean? This is how they are. Scamming drinks. Running game… It’s all good cause I wasn’t the sucker… yet.


After about 30 minutes she returns semi-loaded. How quickly she caught up. We were all sitting having a good time when she showed up and suddenly the mood shifted a little. My sister and brother began to judge. I saw it their eyes. Every move she made, every word she spoke was being judged. I loved it.

Ashlyn: “Oh my god I just had 2 drinks and 3 shots… I’m pretty drunk right now.”

This Guy: “Slow your roll, its only 8:30.”

Ashlyn: “Whatever, I haven’t seen you in so long, today we are going to party.”

This Guy: “Promise?”

With that she stopped, looked deep into my eyes and…

Ashlyn: “Yes, let’s get another drink.”

Being the good guy that I am and tired of watching her scam drinks like a bottom dweller, I threw her a freebie.

This Guy: “Alright, this drink is on me.”

Ashlyn: “Ok, lets do a shot then.”

We walked up the bar where she promptly ordered some fucked up Jaeger Meister shot. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I am way too old for shots, but why the fuck not, I was on vacation.

We slam our shots. I don’t know what dirty Indian asshole tastes like, but it was probably something similar to this shot. I needed a sweet and delicious chaser.

This Guy: “Jack on the Rocks?”

Bartender: “No problem sweetie.”

My brother and sister had been sending me devious glances all night while I was in the company of Miss Ashlyn. I had to pacify them by buying their drinks. Well not so much Julien, but my darling sister was definitely bankrolled by me that night. It was a fair trade, she stops looking at me funny, I get her drunk and make her look funny.

Ashlyn: “Let’s get a lap dance” she says increasingly turning up her sex appeal.

This Guy: “I was just about to say the same thing.”

No I wasn’t. Why do I say these dumb things. The steering committee must have gotten to me in some subconscious level because what I was saying was mostly shit that I should say, not shit that I wanted to say. I never do lap dances in Orlando, they are infamously awful. Orlando is a no touch city, so really, they aren’t even lap dances, they are the so called “personal dances.” No touching, no rubbing, no smelling her perfume, just watching her do the same exact shit she does on stage from 2 feet away. But whatever, I was going with the flow.

We found my “favorite” dancer and called her over. To my surprise (sarcasm) Ashlyn knew her very well and started chatting it up with her. I didn’t have the heart to tell the dancer to stop talking as she was ruining my fantasy with every word that came out of her mouth so I just waited.

So I sat on this big comfy chair, Ashlyn sat on my lap, and the dancer began doing her thing from 2 feet away. I was thoroughly bored, but whatever. Ashlyn began to grind her bum into my lap. It started turning into a real lap dance. I mean I had the visual in front of me and Ashlyn on top of me, this was in essence a real lap dance by way of collaborative efforts.

It was getting good, I was feelin it, (Ashlyn was definitely feeling it… ew gross, sorry for the visual) and the dancer was doing her thing. But hen I noticed one thing.

Why the hell is the dancer not looking into my eyes. Why is she visually fucking Ashlyn and not me. I am the bankroller. I bought this dance. I need some more attention.

I let it slide for this dance, but the next one I swore would be mine.

The dance ends. I fork over my 10 bucks.

Ashlyn: “Want another one?”

This Guy: “Yes, but this one is for me.” I said loudly enough for the dancer to hear.

The dancer looked at me, acknowledged and began her dance.

At first it was pretty alright, she was looking at me, the eye contact was there, the moves were seductive it was nice. Then Ashlyn had to ruin it by trying to get her attention. How did she try to get her attention? She began her own little seduction dance on my lap. Suddenly the girls locked eyes and I was assed out. I would have fought for attention but there was a girl sitting on top of me. Kinda hard to do.

This was now 2 lap dances that Ashlyn stole from me. She comes into this bar with no money, gets trashed, and gets 2 lap dances. I had become the sucker. The dancer finishes her dance and apologizes for not looking at me. I tell her its ok, because I’m too timid to complain, and it ends. I give her another 10 spot and it was over… ok, well not quite, Ashlyn took one of my other 10’s and tipped the dancer with it.

Someone from Orlando please explain this to me. Why the hell would anyone tip a “personal dancer?” I already paid 10 bucks for the dance, she didn’t even make any kind of physical contact and now she gets a tip? This time I wasn’t too pissed because I took all the free drinks I had into account and it worked out alright.

So I go back to drinking. Ashlyn still sitting on top of me is now drinking from my drink. If I may, let me step aside for a minute and explain something to you folks.

The only person ever, EVER, who may sip from my drink without asking is my girlfriend. I don’t have a girlfriend right now, so that means no one has defacto rights. The only people who may drink form my drink are those that I invite to have a sip and those that ask politely. And lastly, ASHLYN, DON’T EVER, EVER, SEPARATE ME FROM MY JACK DANIELS… CAPICHE?

Annoyed as hell, I took my drink back and began to drink it faster. Now the very same dancer that we paid to dance came back, only this time to talk to Ashlyn. There I was like a schmo, with Ashlyn on my lap, and this girl having a conversation.

They talked about all kinds of uninteresting insignificant shit, when finally, Ashlyn challenges the dancer to turn her on. Now, it seems, I was the big winner.

This Guy: “Let the record state that I’m not buying a lap dance, no offense to you, but lap dances in Orlando suck.”

Dancer: “Hey that’s not nice.”

This Guy: “No, I didn’t say that you sucked, I said that lap dances here suck thanks to the no touch policy.”

Dancer: “Oh right. Yeah I understand. Well this is for Ashlyn, I owe her.”

She was clearly alluding to some kind of past they had together, I, just like before, didn’t give a shit, I just wanted to see this turn on thing they were about to do.

The dancer begins. Ashlyn begins gyrating as she was getting more and more turned on. There were moans, there were deep breaths, the occasional hot giggle, and me sitting there.

As this erotic challenge continues, another dancer appears. Completely out of the blue she leans over and kisses Ashlyn. So now there is a dancer dancing, another one kissing her, and me acting as a chair. I later find out that the girl that kissed her was her ex girlfriend. Nice. My exes don’t do shit like that.

Ashlyn now so turned on, turns and looks me straight in the eyes. She leans in and gives me this erotic lippy kiss. One of those almost kissing you almost not kisses. I was into it. I could dig it. She pulled back, looked at the dancer, then went in for the full blown kiss. I was very drunk and very happy at that moment. Then as if over taken by demons, Ashlyn pulls away. The look on her face was evil. It was lustful evil. The kinda look a pissed off dominatrix makes. It was kinds scary and hot all at once. She leans in, but rather than kissing my lips, she mashes her teeth into my shoulder as she kept gyrating on my lap.

It was some crazy sadist shit and she was full throttle. She bit into me as hard as she could. She was in bliss. Me? I was screaming like a woman.

This Guy: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What the hell are you doing? That hurts!”

She pulls back.

Ashlyn: “You think that hurts?”

She comes in again only this time she clamps down on my other shoulder. She got a full bite. I had no choice. I gabbed her by the head and peeled her off me.

This Guy: “You are fucking crazy! That hurts like a bitch, why’d you do that?”

Ashlyn: “You don’t like that?”

This Guy: “Fuck no! “

Ashlyn: “Oh my god, I’m sorry.”

And just like that she snapped out of it.

Ashlyn: “I got to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

I was so pissed off at what just happened. Upon further examination I noticed that she drew blood. That was not fun at all. I had enough by this point. Tonight was no going to be the night. I needed to level the playing field and make her understand that I’m not one of her stupid ass customer’s that love having their money taken. She is fragile. I knew just how to do it.

Ashlyn returns from the bathroom.

This Guy: “Yo, you need to go home. You are a mess right now. Can you have some one drop you off?”

Ashlyn: “You want me to go home?”

This Guy: “Yes, you’re a mess. I want you to get home safe to your girlfriend.”

The mention of the girlfriend was a painful reminder.

Ashlyn: “Maybe I should go home.”

This Guy: “Yes. You should.” I said sternly.

Ashlyn eventually secures a ride and makes her way home.


I spend the rest of the evening with my sister and brother. We eventually leave and do some bar in Northern Orlando. We all end up having a good time, getting pretty smashed and going home.

The next day I open my eyes having little recollection of the ladder part of the night. My throat is dry, my eyes are crusty, and my head is throbbing. I grab a drink of water.

Phone rings.

Ashlyn: “Do you hate me?”

This Guy: “For what?”

Ashlyn: “I just know I got home kinda early, I don’t remember anything. What happened? Did I do something stupid?”

This Guy: “Other than leaving your dental history on my shoulders, you were fine.”

Ashlyn: “I did WHAT?”

I wasn’t buying the lost memory story, but I humored her.

This Guy: “You bit the hell out of my shoulders.”

Ashlyn: “No I didn’t, did I?”

This Guy: “YES! I am looking at my shoulder right now and I can see every tooth in your mouth. In fact, you need to get bicuspid 13 checked.”

Ashlyn: “Oh my god.”

This Guy: “Oh my god what?”

Ashlyn: “I must really like you; I only do that to my lovers.”

Did she just say what I thought she said? Did she just try to run game to reclaim cred? Lover’s? Like now I roll with her lovers as having been one of the few privileged enough to have been marked by the vampires?

This Guy: “Well I guess I’m an honorary lover. Listen, I got to run, I got a nasty head ache.”

Ashlyn: “Wait, are you sure you’re not mad at me?”

This Guy: “No, I’m not.”

Ashlyn: “So are we going to hang out again?”

Here’s the move.

This Guy: “Depends, I have a busy schedule with a ton of people to see.”

Ashlyn: “That’s not fair, I cleared my schedule for you.”

This Guy: “I saw you last night.”

Ashlyn: “We have unresolved business.”

This Guy: “You decided to try to eat me instead of taking the opportunity.”

Ashlyn: “I’m so sorry. Look what are you doing Friday?”

This Guy: “Element30, Clive is spinning.”

Ashlyn: “I’ll just meet up with you there.”

This Guy: “Alright, just call me, we’ll sort it out.”

And like that I flipped the script. She had to work for it. Maybe now she will appreciate her time with me more. Maybe now I can make good on that promise. Maybe now it’s on my terms.

Keep glued to this page as the next post takes us to another extreme. It is a Friday, Ashlyn calls, plans are set, we will end up at Element30 but first she has something that she wants to tell me. Correction; something that she needs to tell me…