Angelika Returns [Special Edition]

Upon arrival from Florida, I was met at the curb by none other than Angelika. This was the first time we saw each other in a very long time and I was ridden with anxiety. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I had this nagging feeling it wasn’t going to end well.

Angelika was there to pick me up because when I left for Orlando, she decided to borrow my car. Why would I let her do that you ask? Well because technically it’s her car. When I, or should I say we bought it, we registered it under her name. She had the better credit and thus, we opted for the lower cost. It worked out well at the time, but has proven to be one of the biggest hassles/mistakes I have ever made.

So because the car is in her name, the insurance is also under her name. And for that reason alone, she gets to borrow the car when I am gone because no one else can drive it. Rather than leaving it parked on the street where I will get a ticket, she takes it and parks it in her driveway. It’s as functional as it gets.

So she picks me up and I get in the car. She looked stunning. I was also wearing some fresh new threads so I felt pretty good about myself. I got in the car packed my stuff and we began to talk.

At first it was bullshit. You know the “How ya beens,” “what’ve you been up to’s,” and the “I’m doing greats.” But after that… emotion took over.

I found myself wanting to scream out and tell her to wake up and come back to me already. I wanted to tell her that she was making the biggest mistake of her life and that only I could give her the life she wanted, but instead I kept quiet. She knew my mind was racing.

“What’s wrong? Why are you so quiet?” She asked with a kind voice.

“Well, you know why. I hate to sound like a broken record, I mean it’s just getting pathetic. I miss you, that’s all.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, you’ve done nothing wrong. I understand you are doing what you need to do. So do it. I’ll be ok.”

“Babe, I never meant to hurt you, and it bothers me that you are taking this so hard.”

“What do you expect? We were together for a very long time. But I’m ok with it. I miss you, I do, but I have been through this before. It always works out in the end. I’ll be ok babe. But thank you for saying that. It makes me feel better knowing that you’re not out to hurt me. In fact, this has probably been the most amicable break up I have ever had. I suppose that’s bitter sweet, cause in some ways it seems like it makes it harder.”

“I’m sorry.”

We sat in silence for a little while. I looked over at her several times and watched as the girl I loved was driving her self home to her new life. A sense of deep sorrow filled me and I felt compelled to try and appreciate every last moment I had with her. My perception of her was dying. She was about to be born into her new world with her new realities and truths.

Sitting next to her was very saddening, but the thought of not dropping her off and leaving for my home without her was even sadder. I embraced the moment.

As she drove I reached over and held her hand. She seemed a little uncomfortable at first but she settled into it.

“Angelika, I love you so much. It’s hard to let you go. But I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I know you are going to go out there and kick ass. I always said that if there ever was the one it would be you, so I know I tried my hardest, with conviction, to be the best guy I could be. Whatever has driven you to this is bigger than that, bigger than me. I just have to step aside and let you go for it.”

“Guy, you did nothing wrong. This is something I have to do for myself. Who knows maybe we cross paths again when we are a bit more mature, or maybe you find the perfect girl for you, all I know is that we did what we did, and it was amazing. I don’t ever want to forget those years we spent together and I hope you don’t either. But I think for now, this is something I have to do.”

“You right love. Your right.”

“Don’t think this is easy for me. It’s not. I wonder sometimes if I am making the biggest mistake of my life, and I get really sad. But I try to keep myself busy and soon I get over the pain. Just try to keep yourself busy babe. I know you can do it.”

We were close to her home and the sadness in the car was thick. I’m sorry to lay all this on you guys but my life isn’t always crazy adventures in dating. It’s not always funny stories. Sometimes it’s the very same thing you have gone through. Lost love. It’s sad, but it’s real life and this was the first taste of the harsh reality for me because deep in the back of my mind, I felt we would have gotten back together. Now it all seemed real.

As we approached her neighborhood, she surprised me with a question.

“Do you want to grab a bite to eat? This pizza here is amazing.”

“Sure!” I responded in a peppy mood. “I thought you would never ask.”

We entered the pizza place and sat down. Now I was facing her and her beauty was intense. Just as someone who starves can taste the fine details in a feast, I could see the prominent beauty in Angelika.

“I have made this break up easy for you Angelika. I have not acted as a psycho boyfriend, I have not tried to stop you, I have not begged or screamed. I just opened the door and let you walk out. My fear is that maybe I didn’t try enough.”

“This isn’t easy for me.”

“Well, if there is anything I learned from past break ups, its that being psycho or mean or spiteful in a break up isn’t the way to “try hard” to keep someone. Letting you walk out without a fight was the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope you see that as me trying hard.”

“I do, I see it. That’s what makes it so hard for me.”

“Then just tell me now. Do you want me to stop now and just let you live your life? Should I stop with the middle of the night text messages and the phone calls telling you I miss you?”

“You know as hard as it is for me to say this, because I love when you call me to tell me you miss me and when you text me telling me that you miss my smile, I will say yes. It’s time to stop and move on.”

And like a ton of bricks it hit me. Reality was telling me it was over. Over for real.

“Then that’s what I will do. Forgive me if I fall out of site for a while, I need the space to move past you.”

“I understand.”

We finished our pizza. I walked her to her apartment. I gave her a hug that seemed like it transcended space and time, I kissed her on the cheek, and walked away. I got into my car and almost immediately I began to feel a sense of liberation. Did I just get the closure I needed? My mood was low but it was lifting rapidly and the closer I got to my house the more excited I got about what life had to offer. The prospect of Angelika getting back together with me was over and now I could whole heartedly move into my new realm.

I looked forward to coming home and chilling with my best friend and room mate, Kofa.

I walked in the front door to my apartment and there he was sitting on the couch. He could tell my mood by the expression on my face. He knew she gave me a ride home. And at that moment he said the perfect thing.

“Smoke?”

“Yeah man.”

We grabbed some smokes and headed over to the stairwell.

“You ok?”

“Yeah man. I am.”

“Good, then quit being such a homo and lets grab some food.”

Funny enough, that’s all it took to snap me out of it. Kofa has been the one constant in my life that I could always count on. And drawing upon his own experiences with a girlfriend he broke up with over a year ago, he could always say the right things and give me the right amount of hope to pull myself out of it.

So now you’ve heard the sad story. I’ve brought your mood down. But If I want to make this blog experiment worth anything, I got to lay the facts out. Don’t feel bad for me; I start getting right back into trouble.

Up until now Jay has been the devil on my shoulders pressing me to do these unimaginable things and “helping” me to cope with my break up by telling me to run into the arms of a few select New York City crazies. Jay found me a broken man, and did something about it. He took me to my favorite blues watering hole, sat me down, got me drunk, and filled my ears with the most beautiful music i have ever heard. I was truly at church. It was what i needed to progress and get right back into trouble.

In the next coming weeks I worried about how I would spend Christmas and how it would feel to me. I worried about getting sad and missing Angelika, but believe it or not, it never happened. I spent Christmas with the family and Angelika and I exchanged friendly Christmas wishes over text messaging.

What I wasn’t prepared for was New Years, and what a New Years party it was.

Our next story will take you into one crazy night. New Years Eve. It’s me, a bunch of friends, a 4000 SqFt loft in Tribeca, all the top shelf booze you can drink, and a 3 to 1 girl to guy ratio.

Things get out of hand. Dreams come true for some, fantasies for others, and memory loss for me, but not before I leave my mark… on someone.

Next stop: New Years Eve.