New Year's 2006

Christmas comes and goes. I got the Christmas text from Angelika but besides that, it was just another day. I was surprised by how easily it passed. No extreme sadness or emotion, just another day, well spent, with my family.

Now anyone that knows me, knows that New Years is my favorite holiday. It’s the only day that everyone (in your time zone) comes together to celebrate a passing second. The death of an old year and the birth of a new. It’s symbolic of so many things. I feared that this New Years would be extremely depressing as it would be the first one in a long time that I would spend without Angelika. I wasn’t about to let it beat me. The plan was simple. Get drunk, be around a lot of people, and make out with someone. That should chase the blues away.

Now I live in New York City. This makes me the defacto plans for many of my out of state friends. This year was no exception. This Guy Hotel was open for business and ready to go. 2 friends had made reservations to stay. Grant and Mark.

Grant is an old buddy from my days in Pennsylvania. I’ve known him since the 4th grade and not much has changed. Grant is a very timid and sheltered kind of dude that is genuinely amazed by real life, and more specifically, real life in NYC. Every time he comes to visit me we get into some kind of trouble. He’s a bitter little man. He feels life has cheated him in ways. He isn’t the luckiest when it comes to women and that really gets under his skin. It’s not that he’s ugly, it’s simply the women he gets with kinda suck. They eventually dump him, or do him dirty, or whatever, point is, he has trouble trusting them. Oh yeah, and he’s somewhat of a sexaholic.

Mark is also an old buddy from Pennsylvania. I’ve known him as long as I’ve known Grant. Mark is the creative adventurous type and found his way out of our small town back home. He moved to NYC for a while to pursue his film career and eventually made his way to Hollywood where he lives now, working in the biz. He’s laid back and very funny.

Grant and Mark had both called me at the beginning of December to try and figure out what our New Years plans would be, I always responded the same way.

“Too soon to tell.”

I never plan New Years events until a few days before because that’s when you really know what’s going on. As I was sifting through plans and looking for parties, I found myself scratching my head. I wasn’t sure what to do and nothing looked worth while. I didn’t want to do the Times Square thing because I’ve done it so many times before. I knew all my friends had high expectations and I didn’t know if I was going to deliver this year. I was looking through my bag of tricks and I came up dry. Nothing seemed appealing.

Then one day at work, as if God decided to throw me a bone, I get an instant message from my friend Emily.

EmilyXX: Hey playa!

This guy: Hey girl.

EmilyXX: What are you dong for new years?

This guy: I have no idea.

EmilyXX: I just got invited to this loft party, wanna go?

This guy: where at?

EmilyXX: It’s in Tribeca, a friend of mine is having a breast cancer awareness party.

This guy: Sounds thrilling.

EmilyXX: Well she wants me to bring guys because she says she has too many girls coming.

This guy: Oh werd?

“Werd” means “for real” in city speak.

EmilyXX: Yah, you should come.

This guy: that sounds like he move, but I have a few people with me, is it cool if they come?

EmilyXX: Yah that’s not a problem.

This guy: Aces! Count me in.

I figured why the hell not? I couldn’t come up with anything better, and this party was going to be free with the promise of lots of women. Don’t be fooled by the cancer benefit part of it, those parties are usually thrown by yuppies that want to “contribute” to society by drinking themselves into oblivion.

December 31, 2005

The day was here. We were ready to party, we all slept as late as we could, drank as much water as we could, and formulated our plans for the night.

Mark had his own plans as he was entertaining friends he brought from Hollywood, he was going to be doing the Time Square thing then eventually meeting up with us at the loft.

Bailey, Grant and I were headed straight to the loft. Emily was expected to arrive a little later with 10 of her friends. It was in the air, we knew it was going to be good.

We didn’t know what to expect. There are many things you can call a “Loft” in NYC so it could have been anything. What we did expect was to get drunk, be around a lot of people, and make out with someone.

Everyone dressed up.

We left the house about 9PM and headed for the liquor store to buy a peace offering. I bought Jack Daniels to ensure that I would be within arms reach from my good friend Jack. We picked up one bottle of Bombay Gin and a Bottle of Grey Goose. It was off to the loft party.

Upon arrival we noticed that we were in front of this massive building with a door guy in the lobby. We were reluctant to walk in because it was so nice and perhaps we were at the wrong location. After much debate, I finally decided to ask the door guy.

“Excuse me, is this where the Cancer Benefit party is?”

“Yes sir, 6A. Please sign in.”

I waved for everyone else to walk in and sign in. I gave Emily a quick call only to find out that she was still 45 minutes away from arrival. I didn’t just want to show up to a party without the person who invited me, but fuckit, she was 45 minutes away and the night passing by. We headed up.

The elevator door opened to this massive room. Directly in front of us was a kitchen area with a full size bar and all the booze you could ever want. To the right was a dance floor area with a Dj, and to the left was a pool table area with a big living room type space. This place was massive. 4000 Sq Ft of party space, but that not the best part. In fact, all the free food wasn’t the best part. It was the women. BY GOD these women were beautiful and the place was lined with them. The ratio was 3 girls to every guy. I was in heaven. Bailey was speechless. Grant was nearly convulsing.

I quickly walked up to the DJ and asked him who the host was, he pointed to this beautiful brunette, wearing a long dress, who was probably in her early 30’s. I walked up, introduced myself and handed her the bottle of Jack. She welcomed us in, showed us where to hang out coats, and asked us to help ourselves to anything.

We were speechless. We totally felt out of place, all the people in this place looked like they were worth money, a lot of it! We poured our drinks, found a spot on the floor and began to talk about the situation we found ourselves in.

This guy: “Wow, this place is craaaazy.”

Bailey: “Affirmative. I’m feeling good about this. I’m feeling on. I’m on.”

Grant: “Wow Guy, I’ve never seen anything like this before. This is crazy.”

This guy: “That’s how we do. New Years is never boring son! Yo, do you see how many hot women are in here?”

Grant: “Oh my god guy this is crazy.”

Grant was clearly in shock.

Bailey: “I already see one that I like?”

This guy: “Which one?”

Bailey: “That one.”

He says pointing at a stunning 20-something brunette. Long dark dress and flowing brown hair.

This guy: “Oh yeah? The bitch is bad. Go get her.”

As if suddenly endowed with courage, she straightens up, and heads her way.

Grant: “I wish I could do that, that girl is HOT! My god Guy, this place is crazy.”

This Guy: “Yo he got balls of steel son. Look at him, he’s talking to her.”

Grant: “Well I need a few more drinks before I can talk to anyone.”

Just then Bailey returns.

Bailey: “Ah she’s a bitch.”

This guy: “What happened? I looked like you were hitting it off!”

Bailey: “Well I asked her name, she gave it to me, then she kinda just went back to her conversation. I tried to make small talk but it wasn’t going anywhere.”

This guy: “Well you cant expect magic to happen in 2 seconds Bailey, you need to talk and let her warm up to you.”

Grant: “Hey man, I gotta give it to you, I could never just walk up to a girl like that.”

Bailey: “Yeah well now my confidence is shot.”

Bailey loses his confidence every time he goes out. He shows up at a bar with his chest out and his ego soaring, then he talks to a girl, she shoots him down, and he wants to go home.


After getting used to the situation, we settled in. Had a few more drinks and enjoyed the scenery. Then Emily shows up with all her friends. This is where it becomes real interesting.

Emily introduces us to everyone and we could barely keep up with names, but suddenly we were in a group of people and we were all talking. We no longer felt like outcasts. Before long we were in a groove. The conversation was flowing and polite with jokes all over. We were all in the spirit.

The TIME was near. It was about to strike midnight. Everyone gathered on the dance floor and Champaign was distributed amongst all the party goers. We had our little hats and noise makers on and the excitement started rising to a fevered pitch. Both 42 inch Plasma Televisions were showing what was going on in Times Square. This was a good place to be because midnight means kisses, and well, errrry body likes kisses.

The minutes tuned into minute, the minute turned into 10 seconds.

10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1..HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!!

Everybody cheered. Grant, Bailey and I all got together and posed for a midnight picture. We looked at each other and realized at that moment that there was no better place to be, not because we were in some high scale loft, but because the three of us were together having a good time.

Grant: “Guy, you’re my best friend. I really mean this, thank you so much for being my friend. You always were there for me and I really appreciate it bud.”

This guy: “You’re my boy Grant. It will always be that way.”

Ok, enough with the gayness… we went off to kiss all the other fellow revelers. Granted they were kisses on the cheek, but still what better icebreaker than a kiss. After all that was done, we resumed our partying. More drinks.

I went back to the kitchen and smoked a cigarette with Bailey. Grant was off talking to this girl Monica, while Bailey and I were talking to Emily and her Australian import Rebecca. We talked, we smoked, we took pictures. Typical half drunk type shit, nothing outlandish. Bailey eventually had to go to the bathroom and Emily went off to talk to the rest of the people she knew so at this point it was just Rebecca and myself.

This guy: “So you’re from Australia?”

Rebecca: “Well yeah, kinda. I was born in South Africa, but I moved to Australia when I was young, however, my family is from Germany. That’s where they live now.”

This guy: “So you speak German?”

Rebecca: “Fluidly.”

This guy: “Nice, I know some German.”

Rebecca: “Oh yeah?”

This guy: “Dubist Blurred”

I don’t know how to spell it, but that’s how it sounds.

Rebecca: “Oh I’m stupid?”

This guy: “Is that what I said?”

I was playing dumb, my sister used to say that to me all the time. She took 1 German class and was instantly capable of berating people in that language. One of her finer traits.

Rebecca: “YES!”

This guy: “I’m sorry, I’m just so used to hearing that, that I figured it was a good thing.”

Rebecca: “Well apparently a lot of people think you’re stupid.”

This guy: “I must be then… but enough about me. So do you currently live in Australia?”

Rebecca: “I do, been there almost all my life.”

This guy: “I have a great friend form Australia, would love to go sometime.”

Rebecca: “Well if you ever go, look me up.”

This guy: “That's what I love about you Aussies, friendly as hell. You barely know me and your willing to give me the tour.”

Rebecca: “I’ll drink to that.”

Big surprise. An Aussie drinking.

I poured her another drink and we kept on.

Rebecca: “So where are you from?”

This guy: "First generation American, but my family is Colombian.”

Rebecca: “I’ve been warned about you guys.”

This guy: “Oh they told you about our little vice?”

Wait for it, this is good and corny.

Rebecca: “Yah, we hear about your country’s little export business.”

This guy: “Wait, what export business?”

Rebecca: “The powder baby, the coke!”

This guy: “Oh, I thought you were talking about our weakness for beautiful women.”

Thank you, another drunken beauty of a one liner, brought to you by Jack Daniels.

Rebecca: “Ha ha, real funny.”

This guy: “Hey what about Coffee and Emeralds?”

Rebecca: “What about it?”

This guy: “We export that too! The best coffee and the most beautiful emeralds. Anyhow, let me put your fears to rest. I wont be hiding coke in your bags anytime soon.”

Rebecca: “Good now we can be friends.”

This guy: “Sure. Friends. Anyhow, I’m gonna go see what Grant is up to, I’ll be right back.”

It was a good spot to leave the conversation as it was early and I didn’t want to seem too into it. I head over to look for Grant, but he is nowhere to be found. I do however spot Bailey holding a conversation with this chick. I walk up to him with drink in hand.

This guy: “Hey man, you see Grant?”

Bailey: “No, I haven’t seen him.”

This guy: “Alright, well cool. You having a good time?”

Bailey: “Yeah, let me introduce you, Guy this is Tamara, Tamara this is Guy.”

This guy: “Pleasure to meet you.”

Tamara: “Likewise.”

Just as I start feeling as if I had interrupted something special, I notice a line forming behind Tamara.

This guy: “Wait, are you guys waiting in line for the bathroom?”

Tamara: “Yes.”

Bailey has no shame. Captive audiences don't bother him. He see's an opportunity and he takes it. He was next to go in.

This guy: “Here I thought you guys were hitting it off, but really, your just waiting for the bathroom.”

Bailey: “We are hitting it off.”

Classic Bailey.

Bailey: “Don’t you think?” He says, looking at her.

Tamara: “Yeah.”

Hardly convincing.

This guy: “Well Bailey, if you want to be a real gentleman, you should let her cut in front of you.”

Bailey: “I was going to.”

Just then the door opens and she rushes past him as he gestures her to pass.

This guy: “Nice Bailey. Nice.”

Bailey: “Thank you sir.”


I decide all the pee business is making me have to pee, so I get to the end of this very long line and await my turn. Bailey goes to get himself a drink in the kitchen where Rebecca was still hanging out.

Since I am waiting in line and my story kinda stalls here until its time to pee, lets follow Bailey around for a second and see what he’s up to!

Bailey apparently on the hunt for some kind of action makes his way into the kitchen where he finds a very drunk Rebecca. They talk and he somehow manages to kiss her. I don’t know the details, and I wish I did, but when I probe Bailey, his memory seems to fail him as well. So Bailey was the first to get some kind of action. I was on the bathroom line, I was patient, I knew my time would come.

I eventually make it up to the bathroom door and I was next to go, when Emily comes rushing up.

Emily: “I have to pee, lets go together.”

This guy: “Um, I have to warn you, I get pee anxiety, so why don’t you just go ahead.”

Emily: “Come on…”

She drags me in. This is not hot in anyway. So for all of you thinking I’m fucking up a good situation, eff you all. Its gross.

She goes in and sits down on the toilet and begins to pee. I, turning colors, look away and try to make small talk.

This guy: “So, you do this often?”

Emily: “No, I just really had to pee.”

This guy: “Why am I in here again?”

Emily: “Quit being such a baby.”

This guy: “I cant just whip it out and pee. Especially with you watching.”

Emily: “Oh whatever.”

She finishes up and wipes. Yuck.

This guy: “Alright, now get out, I have to pee.”

Emily: “So you really can't pee in front of me?”

This guy: “I know you want to see my weaner, but it won’t happen under these circumstances.”

Emily: “You suck.”

And with that she leaves the bathroom. I emerge a few seconds later with a line of people staring me down.

This guy: “It’s not what you think.”

I head over to the dance floor where I am now almost completely wasted. I run into none other than Rebecca. She sees me, dances right up to me and grabs my hat.

Note: When a girl grabs your hat and puts it on, it means she likes you.

I begin flirting and dancing with her.

This guy: “Don’t go too far with that!”

Rebecca: “Or what?”

This guy: “Or I guess I’ll have to buy another one.”

So many things I could have said there, but I was drunk, so was she.

Rebecca: “Sounds like a winning deal for me.”

This guy: “Don’t get me wrong, it’ll cost you.”

She comes up to me and gives me a big ol sloppy French kiss.

Rebecca: “Is that payment enough?”

This guy: “Interest?”

And its ON! She begins to tongue me down, I mean big wet and sloppy. And I dug it. Unbeknownst to me, pictures were being taken with my camera. Her hand goes under my shirt, it was kinda raunchy and pervy. Oh yeah, and we were smack in the middle of the dance floor where everyone could see.

Cell phone rings.

This guy: “MAAAAARK! What’s up homie?”

Mark: "Not much man, we left Times Square and got a bite to eat. Where is your party at?”

I give him the directions and we hang up.

The kissing continues. This chick was cute!!! (at the time… booze… nuff said.)

I decide to stop and go grab another drink. Not the best move, but it seemed right at the time. Plus my lips were getting numb.

Grant? Still nowhere to be found. Bailey? Still searching for love.

After I grab my drinks I decide to go and talk to the hostess of the party, again, just to let her know how grateful I was to let us be there with them. There was a tall obnoxious looking dude standing next to her.

This guy: "Hey, I just wanted…."

I get interrupted by the obnoxious asshole, as he feels he has a more important question to ask her…

Asshole: “Hey how do I get out of here?”

The hostess looks at me.

This guy: “I just wanted to thank you again for this great party. I am having such a good time, I really appreciate it."

Asshole: “I was talking to her ASSFACE!”

Did this piece of shit just call me assface? Here I was thanking the hostess and suddenly I’m assface?

I turn to him. A much taller guy than me.

This guy: “Yo, why I gotta be assface?”

Note: When I’m drunk, the little ghetto I have in me comes out.

The asshole looks at me.

Asshole: “GRRRRRR”

Yes, he growled at me. What a fucking loser. He GROWLED!!! The hell is that? I almost smacked him in the nose and yelled "BAD! BAD! SIT!"

Hostess: “Guys, stop.”

I turn to her.

This guy: “Why I gotta be assface? I’m having a good time and this prick has to go and ruin it.”

Asshole continues to talk to her.

Asshole: “So how do I get out of here?”

Hostess: “Look, all you have to do is cross the street and walk down to the corner. Make a left and the garage should be on the left hand side.”

Asshole, in an attempt to be cute says:

“It’s such a busy intersection, I just don’t want to get hit by a car. Is it a safe crossing?”

This guy: “Listen man, I got faith in you, you could do it. Don’t worry. It’s alright. I know the traffic at 4AM can be crazy in Tribeca, but I think with a little effort and determination you can do it.”

The prick piece of shit looks at me and walks away. I turn again to the hostess.

This guy: “I’m sorry, we are all just having a good time. Either way, just wanted to say thanks."

I finally make it back to the dance floor and just before I was about to kiss this girl again, Mark shows up.

I greet him and all his friends who are rather conservative to say the least. Church type people. They found a corner and carried on with their conversations. At least they were drinking.

I go back to Rebecca and just before I was about to kiss her again, Bailey comes up to me.

Bailey: “Hey man, I’m going home. I had fun, but I’m tired and it just aint happening tonight.”

This guy: “I cant begin to express the magnitude of your lameosity. You have reached magnificent new levels of homosexuality.”

When I'm drunk I invent words and try to sounds smart. Can't help it. Some of those words eventually make it into my everyday vernacular.

Bailey: “Yeah, I know. I’ll see you later.”

This guy: “Later man.”

So I go back for a kiss, and just before… Grant comes up to me.

Grant: “Yo guy, lets go home.”

I sensed a bit of nervousness in his voice.

This guy: “Why?”

Grant: “I’m just not feeling it anymore.”

This guy: “Oh, so your not having fun anymore and I just got to stop and leave?”

Grant: “Dude, I got in trouble.”

This guy: “What did you do? Where were you all this time.”

Grant: “I was with Monika in the back room.”

This guy: “WHAT DID YOU DO?”

Grant: “Dude, this night has been so crazy. We went back there and started kissing.”

This guy: “Uh huh.”

Grant: “Then I started feeling up her shirt, man she had the nicest tits.”

This guy: “Where the lights on?”

Grant: “Yeah, and then she wanted to stop, so I said ok and we were about to leave, just then she turned off the lights and we began fucking around again.”

This guy: “You dirty dog.”

Grant: “I started kissing her belly then I went down on her.”

This guy: “YOU DID WHAT?”

Grant: “Yah man, I went down on her.”

This guy: “Grant, your at a party, what if someone walked in on you?”

Grant: “Well that’s just it, someone did. But not while I went down on her, I was only down there for a few seconds. But the owner of the place walked in with this guy, and the guy was like ‘see I knew she was a slut!’”

This guy: “Nuh uh!”

Grant: “Yah, and then she went crazy and the owner asked her to leave. “

This guy: “Did the owner as you to leave?”

Grant: “No.”

This guy: “Jesus Grant! I cant believe you just went down on someone. You barely know her, dude, your going to get mouth aids. Don’t complain when you see fungus growing on your lips.”

Grant: “Whatever man, it was fun. It’s Emily’s friend.”

This Guy: “Yah, lets get out of here.”

Some of you may be cheering Grant. You know the country boy that comes to the city and gets some action. This is the ultimate sex in the city moment for him...HOWEVER, let me make something painfully clear. Monika is no beauty queen. I'd go as far as saying Monika is no beauty anything. She is barely human. This is one ghastly looking beast of a creature. The kind that meets a dude at a party and lets him go down on her becuase daddy never loved her and her frail self esteem needs to be boosted by the likes of anything that represents a father figure, namely boys. This girl is a big fat L. Grant has had some hotties in his life, so its not that he is an ugly dude. He's a good looking kid, but sometimes his sexaholicness wins. I digress.

I walked up to Mark and briefed him on the situation. He said there was a loft party across the street that he got invited too and that we should go with him. I told him I would, but that I would meet him outside.

I got my shit, went outside and totally forgot about Mark. I walked Rebecca and her friends to the nearest cab, made sure they got in, and hailed a cab with Grant.

Needless to say, I don’t remember anything past that. All I remember after that was waking up in my room, with a nasty hangover, and some crazy memories.

Grant never heard from Monika again.

I never heard from Rebecca again, and after looking at the photo’s probably a good thing.

Bailey got his confidence back, and then lost it again, then got it back and lost it a few more times…

All in all the New Year was one of the best. A bunch of my best friends, some booze, some ladies, and just plain old getting into trouble. Grant went back home with memories that he will undoubtedly talk about forever, and I’m glad I could be a part of it.

This shed a whole new light on a brave new world for me. I was finally starting to get it. The whole single thing. Angelika wasn’t weighing on my mind as much anymore. I had to test my limits. I had the perfect place to do it too… my birthday party.

Don’t change that dial, Next up? My birthday party. The biggest one yet. 150 person guest list, 2 bars, and one sneaky competition… one that pays off in spades. Get ready for Krystal.