It's my BIRTHDAY!!! Part 2: The Execution

11 PM

Kofa and I roll into the Red Ox. I got my t-shirt on, he has his. The battle begins.

We did not know what to expect. This could have easily been perceived as a sleaze bag move and rejected by the masses, but then again… it’s funny, and girls love funny. I wasn’t too nervous.

As we move deeper into the lounge we begin to see our friends. I, not having the huevos to make the first move, just kinda chilled and dove into some drinks. The fact that most of these girls were my friends made it quite difficult to cross the line, even for me, so I knew a few drinks would serve me well to blur that line. Kofa, on the other hand, walks right up to Belleza, our mutual friend, but admittedly one that he knew first, and backs her up against a wall. He puts both of his hands up against the wall behind her, and looks her square in the eyes.

Kofa: “Yo let’s go. Let’s get this started.”

He leans in and BAM! The first 3 pointer of the night. We were only there for a few minutes and Kofa had already scored his first 3 pointer. To make matters worse, as if he were runnin down an assembly line, he manages to score another couple of 1 pointers. I am watching in horror.

I slam my drink, put on my best puppy dog eyes, and follow suit. One after another I follow Kofa taking up sloppy seconds but still racking up points. When I get to Belleza, I insist on a 3 pointer solely out of principal. She agrees, and I lean in.

WHAMMY! I get scammed out of a full 3 pointer, at about the 1.235 second mark, Belleza rethinks the situation and stops it. DISSED! I could not claim the 3 pointer and instead took a 2 pointer for it. This is not something that I will ever let her live down. No worries though, Kofa had the lead but I was in hot persuit and my friends had still not arrived. My extremely loyal friends.

I was tearing into drinks and racing toward a drunken stupor, but that only served to my advantage. I had pretty much lost my inhibitions and made it a point to have the most memorable birthday of my life.

Kofa had one huge disadvantage. Odessa, the girl that he was seeing was also at the party. She was fully informed of what would be taking place and was ok with it, but there were still lines that Kofa was not to cross. Me? I had full autonomy with only my conscience to worry about. I had the upper hand.

My friends began arriving in droves, but 2 friends were of special interest to me. Krystal and her best friend Marcy. The 2 baddest looking bitches in the whole place. I’ve known Krystal for quite some time, but for the last 4 years it has been platonically. Super attractive, but never anything more than that. There have been plenty of opportunities for indecent behavior with her, but I never crossed the line. I wondered if tonight would finally be the night that I would. No matter, it wasn’t a goal, it was more of a curiosity.

It was now approaching 1AM and soon it would be time to head over to LavaPlique. My shirt was covered in marks but Kofa’s was covered in many more. He was on a mission and, well… I think it worked against him. See at a completely unexpected moment, Odessa walks up to me with friend in tow…

Odessa: “How do you get a 10 pointer?”

This guy: “Well that’s a 3 way kiss.”

Odessa: “Fine lets do it!” She says with a glimmer of anger in her eyes.

Before I knew how to react I was engaged in a sloppy, alcohol fueled 3 way kiss with my own room mates mate. Kind of bastardish, but it really didn’t last long and it seemed like it was done out of vindictiveness and not some deep subliminal desire for me. No harm done. Kofa must have crossed some line somewhere, whatever the case, I didn’t care because I had just kissed my way into first place, which is really what’s important.

It was finally time to head to the second location as a bunch of other kats started texting me and letting me know they were there. I made my way over.

I arrived at Lavaplique to a room full of yet unkissed friends. Points were all over this room and it was time to seal my victory. Kofa had gotten there a little bit before me and was a bit too comfortable thinking he had the lead. I ran into him.

Kofa: “Yo man, turn around lemme see your back.”

This guy: “What?”

Kofa: “Let me see your back.”

This guy: “ok” I said and I turned around.

Kofa: “WHAT?!?!? How did that happen, oh no.,,”

This guy: “10 pointer kid. You know how I do.”

Kofa: “WHAT?!?!?”

And like that he disappeared on his quest for a 10 pointer. I was thoroughly inebriated at this point so my inhibitions were dropped. I continued my relentless search for points.

As I ran into friends, I would make small talk, then give them the guilty eye and ask for my birthday 3 pointer. The technique worked.

Krystal kept a close eye on my progress and was too becoming quite drunk. The drunker she got the closer she would keep me by her side; the more of my attention she demanded. I naturally felt that she was more of an inhibitor to my success as kissing her was the furthest thing from my mind. Marcy began to play devils advocate.

Marcy: “You 2 are so cute together.”

This guy: “Who? Me and Krystal?”

Marcy: “Yes.”

Krystal: “Oh stop, he’s like my brother.”

This guy: “Yah, I don’t see it.”

Marcy: “You watch, I know these things. You guys are gonna get married.”

This guy: “I don’t think so.”

Krystal: “Hey you said you would marry me at the age of 39 if we didn’t find anyone.”

How many girls have I put on special reserve? Why do we all feel the need to have a backup wife? Do we really find safety and security in knowing that you failed at life and ended up with your backup? Krystal and I always joke that when we do get married at 39 that I will wear a shirt that says “I didn’t win.” And she would wear a shirt that says “This is my backup, where’s yours?” (Did you notice that I acknowledged that I would probably lose at life and end up with Krystal?”) Anyhow, I got like 4 different girls on special reserve. I got backups for my backups. Can’t be too sure.

This guy: “Right, but you’ll find someone.”

Krystal: “Aye pero Guy, I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone. Guys suck.”

She is of hispanic decent if you couldn't tell.

This guy: “Sure. Thanks for that.”

Marcy: “I know guys. For real, I know. You guys are going to get married.”

This guy: “Alright enough, can we just get some drinks? What do you guys want?”

Marcy: “I’ll get the drinks, it’s your birthday, you tell me what you want.”

This guy: “Kettle and Cran.”

Krystal: “Cosmo.”

Marcy makes her way over to the bar which is only a few feet away. Krystal grabs me by the shirt and pulls me over to the couches lining the wall.

Krystal: “Ok, come here.”

This guy: “What?”

And like that... like the 7th season of the X-Files… like Mulder and Scully… we kissed.

I was caught off guard and was racing to catch up with her lips. A million things raced through my mind but I remained focused on the task at hand making sure I took in every drunken detail I could so that could recall this once in a lifetime deal. I knew this would never happen again.

The kiss was hot. First she grabbed me and pulled me in close. She whipers in my ear… “Ok.” in a low raspy voice. She turns my face and kisses me on the lips. I pull back not wanting to be too assuming and she pulls me close again. This time she bites my bottom lip. She falls back onto the couch and we kiss for what must have been 15 seconds. I pull away, I look at her in the eyes, then sit back against the couch.

I had a huge cool aid smile and packed the memory away for later review. I left it at that and nothing more. That’s when Marcy showed up with our drinks.

Marcy: “I saw something naughty.”

This guy: “What?”

Marcy: “I saw you.”

This guy: “Whatever you saw, it was nothing. It was for points.”

Krystal: “This is my future boyfriend.”

This guy: “You’re not helping my case any here sweety.”

Marcy: “I’m so happy to be here for the first kiss.”

This guy: “It was nothing, just drink…”


Fade to black. Literally. That’s all I remember. That was my last memory in the bar. My next memory is being in a cab all fucked up with Marcy and Krystal headed towards my house. My next memory after that is getting out of the cab and fighting with the cabbie about some puke of unknown origin (mine). Next memory is of Krystal and I sitting in my bathroom floor talking as I fade in and out of consciousness. Then I wake up the next day.

So what I am about to tell you next is derived from witness accounts. I can not verify the facts as I do not remember them, but my sources are not known for story telling.

Apparently after that I stayed seated on the couch. I said my good byes to all the birthday revelers as they left and sat there quietly sipping myself into a coma. Marcy made friends with the bartender and we were allowed to stay after hours as she talked to the bartender. Krystal and I apparently made out like high school kids for approximately 45 minutes. All of which I have zero recollection of. Krystal has no memory of this whatsoever. 45 fuckin minutes… gone. I hope it was fun.

Then I got into the cab where I proceded to puke out the window. Upon arrival to my house I fought with the cabbie because he said I puked on the side of his car and he wanted money to clean it to which I responded: “Hose it off you big baby.”

Next we go into my apartment, dip into the liquor cabinet, have a few more drinks, I go to the bathroom, pass out only to be woken by Krystal who has a lot to say about life. She sits with me in the bathroom and goes on and on and on while I slip in and out of awareness. I finally get out of my bathroom, I go to my living room sit down to find Kofa’s little brother hanging out. He finishes watching his cartoons and is nice enough to give Krystal a ride home at 7AM. I stumble to my bed… and pass out.

The next day I wake up with a serious hang over, marker all over my hands and tally marks all over my shirt. I wake up Kofa and we take the final count….

This guy 46, Kofa 43. I won it by one 3 pointer.

I was useless for the rest of that day, but I rested easily knowing I did it BIG. The Biggest.

Krystal and I spoke of the kiss a few times after and agreed that it was just because it was my birthday. We are back to being pals and luckily no weirdo line was ever crossed.

This kick started my new adventures, mostly because shortly after I meet Dana and Emmy.

Dana is a curious one. Dana is a dancer. No, not an exotic dancer, a dancer for a touring company, you know, modern dance type shit. Dana is very very flexible.

Emmy is a strange one. Emmy is a Dj. Emmy has a big surprise for me in this small world. Emmy is trifflin, but I’m not one to turn away drama.

I pursue them both. I land one of them. I get into trouble with the other. Trouble that only I know how to get into.

Stay tuned.