Dana & Emmy

In this city, finding interesting people is no major feat. You simply walk out your front door, look around, say hello to the first person you see, and chances are you have met someone interesting. Well since I’ve been single I have gotten into the swing of my new life and have met some very interesting people as you well know. I have settled into my single life rather well. Whereas before I would come home, have dinner with my honey, watch some TV then go to bed, I now find myself visiting friends, having some after work drinks, hosting dinners, “Grey’s Anatomy” viewing parties and well, just plain being social.

Now I understand I have been late in updates so let’s move to catch you guys up and get you into my current state of affairs. This story is about 2 girls. Dana and Emmy. To make this a little easier to follow, as it is a very long story, Anything relating to Dana will be in Red, anything relating to Emmy will be in Blue.

A while back shortly after my birthday I met Dana. She is an incredibly interesting person. She came from a small farm town in the Midwest where her family ran a berry farm. She moved to NY to pursue her dancing career and get some of that city life in her. She graduated college, found a gig as a costume coordinator for one of the best dance companies in the world and eventually ran into me. She practices dance with her company but she is not one of the performing dancers. She is quite limber.

Dana and I exchanged emails and kept in contact for a while almost exclusively through emails. Now I am not bashful about admitting that I am a master at the email game, so it would only be a matter of time before I entered into her good graces.

I met Emmy right around the same time I met Dana. I met her at a weekly party in Brooklyn called “Earth Potential” and became good friends with her there. She’s an Asian that defies reality as she has many features that are un-Asian in nature. For one she has a nice ass, and secondly she has a nice rack. This girl has the slamming body but is lacking in terms of personality. I mean seriously lacking. Kofa and I call her “Seca” which is a Spanish term that means “Dry.” As in her personality was “muy seca.” Talking to her was just short of talking to a bobble head doll. She would nod her head, look away, and have nothing else to say. It’s a wonder that we stayed her friend but because we saw her a lot at these parties it was inevitable and eventually she was able to open up a little.

At some point we exchanged numbers and decided we would make a plan to hang out sometime at some place other than at Earth Potential. There was never really a good time to hang out as I valued my weekends entirely too much to spend them with her, so any hanging would have to be done during the week. We agreed to go to a Wednesday party at Cielo. Little Louis Vega, one of our favorite Dj’s has a residency there and she’d never seen him there, so it was perfect. Us 2 dj’s, at a club, with music we both loved, having drinks, feeling the vibe… how sadly and uniquely romantic. This didn’t really feel like a first date because we have, on numerous occasions, hung out at Earth Potential listening to music.

More on this later.

Now with Dana, things were a little different. When I finally managed to work my email mojo and get a date, we kinda did the whole first date thing. It was strange, exciting, and refreshing all at once. Over email she was incredibly funny and her personality was becoming the central point of attraction. I could only hope that this extended amount of time we would be having would be as fun and interesting as the dialogue we’ve had for some time as pen pals. We agreed that we would go out, grab some drinks at an awful frat bar because the people watching would be amazing and we love to make fun of people, then head over to the comedy cellar because she had never been to a comedy club before. It was your typical date type scenario.

Well the night went extremely well, we had a lot of fun, shared a lot of laughs and I was intoxicated by her personality… and some Jack Daniels.

I went on a couple of other dates with her (all with the same end result). Things were moving swimmingly.

Now we’ve all done this so don’t judge me, but if I could take Emmy’s body and combine it with Dana’s personality, I would have a winner for sure. But god doesn’t play that way. I say “Dear god, please let me meet the body and the brains, the pretty and personality.” God says “ok” and delivers it in 2 packages. Dick. That’s not to say that Dana was not attractive, but as a dancer she certainly didn’t have the best body. Dancers usually have smaller chests and not so pretty feet… Dana was no exception. Emily had it all minus the personality. That bitch was DRY! (ßI’m sorry I can’t stress that enough.)

So one day she sends me a text message while I was out and decided I would stop by and meet her before I went home. It was a weeknight. She was at a bar called O’Donnelys. We began to drink and drink and drink. By this time we had gotten past the first kiss (which Jay facilitated by the way) and were already looking to take it to the next step. I wasn’t sure what that was, but kissing was starting to get boring. So that night we boozed ourselves into a stupor and decided it was finally time to go home.

This guy: “So what ware you going to do.”

Dana: “I don’t know maybe stay at Karen’s house or go home.”

Karen was the friend she had been hanging out at the bar with before I got there.

This guy: “Well you can come over if you want.”

No need to be smooth here, we were both drunk.

Karen: “Ok.”

Now before I finish this story I think it is important to take you back to an earlier date when her and I first kissed. I know this blog entry is Quentin Tarantino’ish in the way I jump from story to story, but just bare with me. The Flashback will be in this color.

When Dana and I first kissed it was at a loft party that she had invited me to. The party was in Brooklyn and it was crowded with people celebrating St. Patrick’s day. Jay met me at the party because whatever he was doing before he met up with me was horribly boring. So he met me at the party and boozed up like the rest of us. Anyhow, at some point toward the end of the night, the three of us were standing around.

Jay: “So is this the part where you guys kiss?”

Without hesitation, I leaned over to her and planted a kiss on her. It was our first kiss.

Dana: “I’m glad you finally got the gumption to kiss me.”

This guy: “Woah, what are you saying?”

Jay: “Wait, this is the first time you kissed?”

This guy: “Yes.” I turn to Dana “So what do you mean gumption, you saying I finally got the balls to kiss you?”

Dana: “All I’m saying is that you finally got the gumption. What do you think it means?”

This guy: “Well I finally got the gumption because you finally showed some sign of life.”

Dana: “Oh really? Hey listen don’t be mad at me because you never had the gumption to finally make a move. It’s ok, I think it’s cute.”

I leaned over kissed her again.

This guy: “You are trouble.”

That night we went back to my place. The flirting and the kissing lead to the bedroom. The lights were off, the kissing was intense, the clothes were coming off, and it was almost time to go when…

Dana: “Maybe we should stop.”

UGH! Here we go again. It felt like DeJaVu. (Remember Missy?)

This guy: “Sure.”

I began to roll off.

Dana: “Is that ok? Like is that cool?”

Ladies, please listen to me. Don’t do that. If it’s not time to do it, don’t do it. Don’t ask if its cool, it doesn’t matter if it is or if it isn’t, have some self respect and just put the breaks on it. Mine or any other dudes approval is not necessary here.

This guy: “Of course it is, I wouldn’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

Dana: “Well tonight is the first time we kissed.”

This guy: “Nuff said, I can dig it.”

I laid down and went to sleep.

So that was the night that we first kissed and almost sexed. It didn’t happen, but I felt that it eventually would. I dug her, I was into her, and we had plans to hang out again.

Now before we go back to the last date with Dana, let’s go back to the date with Emmy. Emmy and I were at SkyBar dancing and listening to some amazing music. We rocked out and got very very drunk. It was at this point that we got to talking…

Emmy: “So what is this? Is this a date?”

This guy: “What would you like it to be?”

Emmy: “I would like it to be but I have to tell you, I’m kinda dating someone right now.”

I could not have given more of a fuck.

This guy: “That’s cool. Nothing serious. We’re just kickin it.”

Truth is I was dating Dana at the same time, so I really really didn’t give a fuck. I was exploring this whole “date girls, have fun” thing that the steering committee was so adamant about.

Emmy: “No there is a small problem.”

This guy: “What’s that?”

Emmy: “You kinda know him.”

This guy: “Who do you know that I know?”

Emmy: “Trust me, you know him.”

This guy: “Who Osiris?”

Osiris is the DJ that throws the parties at Earth Potential. Osiris also happens to be an acquaintance, albeit not a close friend, but a cool kat that I knew in the scene. We’ve shared cigarettes plenty of times.

Emmy: “Yep.”

Of all fuckin people.

This guy: “Yah, so this is not a date. This is just friends hanging, and honestly… a little heads up would have been cool.”

Emmy: “Why because I’m dating him? Whatever it’s really nothing serious, we’re just kind of kickin it.”

This guy: “That’s cool and all, but you know, probably just better as friends, no worries.”

Emmy: “You and your hang ups.”

So we kinda stood in silence for a minute and I couldn’t help but laugh. This was all so bizarre and par for course with my life.

Emmy: “What’s so funny?”

This guy: “I thought he was dating someone else.”

Emmy: “WHAT?!? What do you mean, who did you think he was dating?”

See I knew something about him… now my foot’s in my mouth, Thanks Booze! This was not my finest dunken hour.

This guy: “Well I didn’t think he was dating anyone, but I definitely didn’t think he was dating you.”

Nice. Real smooth. I outdo myself sometimes. Said with such intense stupidity and oozing idiocy. I am a fucking drunken moron.

Emmy: “What do you know?”

This guy: “Nah nothing.”

Emmy: “Who is he dating?”

This guy: “You want another drink?”

Emmy: “Is it your cousin?”

I nearly pissed myself. She nailed it. The truth is I had insider information from my own cousin who kissed him. In fact to make this even more dysfunctional, on one particular night, we were all at Osiris’ party and while I spoke to Emmy, my cousin was in a backroom making out with Osiris. How grimy is that?

This guy: “Woah.”

Emmy: “I knew it! I’m going to have a talk with him.”

This guy: “No way! You can’t. What are you going to talk to him about?”

Emmy: “Well I just want the truth. I want to know what we are.”

This guy: “Don’t forget, you are on a date right now. So if you don’t expect him to be pissed at you for this, you can’t be pissed at him for that. Plus he’s not really dating her, they just kissed. That’s all.”

I thought that would make her feel better, but it didn’t.

The night was quickly going downhill so we decided to go home. I take her to her house in Brooklyn and we decide to stop for bagels. She kept trying to get information out of me, but by this point I realized that not speaking would be the best policy. So there we sat eating our bagels trying to sober up when suddenly she shifted her line of questioning.

Emmy: “Wow, we are so drunk right now. How do you feel?”

This guy: “I feel fine, a little drunk but I’m good.”

Emmy: “You are not driving home like that.”

This guy: “Oh yeah? I’m fine Emmy, really I am.”

Emmy: “No way. You are way drunk. You are coming home with me.”

We were only a few blocks from her house and my car was parked. I had work the next day, it really wasn’t a good idea.

This guy: “You know what? Don’t worry about me, I’m gonna take a nap in my car and then head to my house.”

Emmy: “No way, you are coming up with me.”

This guy: “Where will I sleep?”

Emmy: “You can sleep with me. Don’t worry.” She said with a look in her eyes and a smirk delivered by the devil himself.

I knew what she was doing. Suddenly she was ceasing the opportunity to exact revenge on Osiris. I would not be a tool of her destruction. I mean I wanted to be, but no, not this time.

This guy: “You are bugging.”

Emmy: “fine you can sleep on my couch.”

I was convinced. I went to her apartment. Found a couch, rejected her offers to sleep with her on her bed, and knocked out. I woke up the next day, hopped in my car, went home, got changed, and off to work I went. I did not sleep with Emmy.

She wasn’t cut from the roster, but I definitely needed to give her some time to sort her shit out. We ended up seeing each other at parties and keeping in touch over email for almost 3 months when we have another go at it. We’ll talk about that some other time. Point is… Emmy was not the one I landed. So without delay…lets wrap up the story with Dana.

Dana and I leave O’Donnely’s and head to my house. Once there we run into my room, jump into something a bit more comfortable and begin the bedroom antics.

We were laying next to each other flirting when finally she rolls on top of me, grabs my hands and pins them to my side, and begins to kiss me hard. INSTANT TURN ON! Aggressive chicks definitely get points in my book. So we kissed some more and suddenly the momentum slipped. Maybe she was waiting for me to be aggressive, so I turned her over and began to aggressively kiss her. She was turned on… I think. She doesn’t make very much noise, but judging by the look on her face and her body language, I felt I was doing good by her.

So now we get to the part that I have historically fucked up. The condom. I discovered that if I plan it well enough, I could get to the condom and put it on before posting any noticeable loss. So I begin to prepare myself for the race against time when suddenly:

Dana: “Do you have something?” She said referring to a condom.

This guy: “Yes, yes I do.”

She totally caught me off guard. As if I had gotten stage fright, I totally blanked out. My plan went way out the window and instead I found myself fumbling for a condom, opening it, and… that’s right… putting it on backwards. I reach for another one, tear it open, and begin to put it on the right way, however, I was going limp mad quick and miss Dana laid there waiting for me to get my shit straight. She by no means was interested in protecting her investment otherwise she would have had her hands on my junk ensuring its rigidity. So after getting this thing on with a semi, the next problem was getting that bad boy in there. As we tried working it in, it seemed as if suddenly we were short on natural lubrication, and not to mention I was still not fully ready to go. So after mucking around for a bit I finally get it in and we no longer have rigidity issues. Lubrication is still a problem but we managed to solve it for the moment. We were now in full stride and I decided to take advantage of dancer qualities. Suddenly I was lifting her legs over her head, grabbing her ankles and making her do splits; I was working my mojo HARD. I was busting out all my moves and this girl was NOT receptive. No noise, no feedback, just laid there as I manhandled her. This became not fun very fast. I went on for a few more minutes and then I stopped. I didn’t even finish. She let out this big sigh and started these cute little full body shivers. I knew what this was for me, and for me it was horrible. But I wondered what it was for her…

This guy: “Did you finish?”

Dana: “Oh yeah.”

This guy: “Really?”

Dana: “Whatever are you looking for an ego stroke?”

This guy: “No, I didn’t even notice. When did it happen?”

Dana: “Like 5 minutes before you finished.”

For the record I didn’t finish but I knew what she meant.

This guy: “Oh ok, I didn’t even notice…so you need water for them hiccups?”

Referring to the full body spasms she was having.

Dana: “Real funny…ass.”

I went to sleep. Another notch on my belt and yet another huge disappointment. She laid there like a log. Didn’t move, just laid there. Ugh it was so disappointing. I knew before it was over that Dana would be cut. The next day I tried not to be shallow and tried to play it off, but my mind wouldn’t let me give it up. I went out with her one more time after that and she could pretty much sense it was over. We talked about it that night and decided we would be friends. She went on tour with her dance company and I haven’t seen her since. We keep in touch over email and I’m sure I will see her again, but as a friend and a friend only because after all, that bitch is funny.

So there you are. All caught up. If you are wondering why I decided to blast these stories out so quickly, well it’s because someone from my past has returned… It’s not who you think it is…

This story surpasses surreal. It begins at 4AM with a phone call. It ends in California 2 days later with a nasty hang over. Stay tuned.