Lillian Part 1: Backstory

After my trip to Los Angeles, I settled back into work. I had a lot of projects to take care of and I really needed to focus. No girls, just work. At least that is what I told myself when in fact all I was really doing was trying to reclaim my dignity from clutches of a bi-coastal booty call. I figured I would step out of the spot light for a minute and get back to my roots.

I’ve always been very proud of what I do and I consider my job priority number one, but I almost felt as if I was losing myself in skirt chasing and I needed to get back to who I was.

So let’s talk about little bit about who I am. So far you’ve been able to deduce a bit about me based upon my inability to function like a normal human being around women. You might think I’m a bit quirky and misguided. You might feel as if I am self defeating and karmically cursed. You might think I am a bit picky or a little shallow. Well you might be right about all those things. Truth is I can only tell you who I think I am. It seems however that every time I think I know who I am, I surprise myself and discover something new about me. I think some people call that evolution. I call it a grand fucking confusion.

Anyhow, if you’ve read this far it is only fair for me to reveal a little about myself. After all, if you read this far, you probably discovered something about yourself and well… like I said, it’s only fair.

I’m an honest good guy. My mind races when I need to make a decision and I always try to make the right one. I believe in karma and the golden rule. I care about the people I meet and make an effort to keep the good people in my life around me. Music is my soul and I use it as an escape. When I hang out, I like to make sure everyone is having a good time. I am too accommodating at times. I don’t know how to say “no” and it can make me somewhat irresponsible when it come to managing my finances. New experiences are always worth it to me, my credit card hates that. I am a hard worker, my job is my livelihood. Fundamentally, I think that’s who I am.

I am an Enterprise Architect for an airline and we are doing pretty well. My work requires that I travel a lot to manage vendors and accounts at various airports. As an enterprise architect I have to cover the growth and development of my network systems. Why am I telling you this? Because this brings us to the next story. One that almost all of us guys dream about from very young.

Jay and I have a system of merit badges if you will. When any one of us does something extraordinary in our love lives, we earn a merit badge. Merit badges describe the kind of girl and stars describe how many different girls. For example, up until this point in my life I had:

Bartender Merit badge with 2 stars
Millionaire Heiress Badge
Kiss Ex’s Best Friend Badge
One Night Stand Badge
Ballerina/Super Limber Chick Badge
Co-Worker Badge

And a few other dodgy badges we won’t mention here.

I was about to earn another badge thanks to my line of work. The elusive, Flight Attendant Badge.

I travel to Berlin often. More often than I care to admit. Where I once found it fun and exciting, I now find it terribly arduous. Where I used to make a point of staying the night in the city and getting shitty with the locals, I now make every effort to catch the very next flight home, even if it’s the same day I arrive. I absolutely despise traveling there to work. Vacation is alright, work is a bloody nightmare. Fortunately I have the luxury of traveling first class on my airline so the travel isn’t as bad as it can be. The food is good, the booze never stops flowing. Nuff said.

Being a regular traveler, I have gotten to know our flight attendants over time. All of them got their start at head quarters and all of them got to listen to my I.T. speech during their orientation. We have had so many flight attendants pass through those doors that it is simply not possible for me to remember most of them, but I did manage to make a few friends. Friends that would introduce me to others.

Flight attendants in our airline have the option of working at headquarters assisting other departments and if they play their cards right, they can land a permanent gig at head quarters doing something other that flight attending. Most find after a few weeks that they would rather be flight attending than coming into work 5 whole days a week and working 8 whole hours a day. They are mostly brain dead. It’s not their fault.

Velma was a flight attendant that was doing a stint at head quarters in the marketing department. She caught me one day in the lunch lounge and started talking to me. She remembered me from the orientation. We got to talking and I soon found out she was a pretty cool chick. She would come around my office and hang out and gossip with the rest of us over in I.T. She always had us caught up on everyone’s business. Eventually she decided (like they all do) that working at head quarters was not for her and she returned to the friendly skies.

Well on one of my night flights over to Berlin, I found that Velma was working my section. It had been months since I last saw her and it was good to see her. She poured me a drink and told me she would come back later during the night after everyone has fallen asleep.

If I stop here, you would all draw the completely wrong conclusion. So I wont. Let’s continue.

Late that night Velma came back to my section and we began to talk. She was very attentive with my drinks and made sure that my glass was never empty. We talked about all kinds of things, but more importantly, we talked about her boyfriend. She was having all kinds of issues and problems and I was happy to help her sort them out. Now if you are thinking that I am into Velma you are wrong. I am not. While she is pretty, she is not my type. However, I am laying the charm on awfully thick and the reason for that is that Velma knows all the other flight attendants. When we used to gossip she used to give me the low down on all of them, so I knew she was well connected. In talking to her about her man she got to see that I was a good guy, sentimental, yet strong minded and intelligent and all that other blah blah blah shit that they go for. I was pretty drunk and at this point I was just painting myself as the world’s most eligible bachelor. This was all gossip that she could bring back to her friends.

Our flight was due to arrive early in the morning. Usually on flights like that I land, take a nap in my hotel, and then go to my meetings. It’s the only way I know how to work the jet lag. Velma told me she would be taking a nap then asked me if I would like to meet her for dinner later that night at the hotel. I agreed and so the plans went forth.

We met up for dinner talked some more and became even better friends. It wasn’t long before she started talking about the other flight attendants.

“See you really are a good guy, I know an F.A. that would be perfect for you.”

F.A. is how they refer to themselves… I believe it means Flight Attendant… yes… yes, I think so.

“Oh yeah? I’m a good guy huh? To some yes, to others, I may not seem so.”

That is my “humble” move. I use that move to make them believe that I am capable of determining my own flaws.

“Is that why you don’t have a girlfriend?”

“Well, to be honest my girlfriend and I broke up about 8 months ago and I just haven’t found anyone I’m interested in yet.”

“Why did you guys break up?”

She took the bait. This is the part where she gets to figure out that I am one of those dudes that you accidentally stumble upon and are so lucky to have done so. Like a dude who is so super perfect and is only single because his wife died. That's like winning the lottery to women 27 and older. (Being humble is my best quality.)

“Well when I first took this job it was very demanding and I was working a ton of hours. I was constantly breaking plans and dates and vacations with her because this job had me by my throat and it was going to remain that way until opening day. Our sex life took a hit because I was always so exhausted and eventually she just got tired of it. She didn’t realize that I was working this hard for us and she couldn’t wait till I crossed that finish line. Well the last thing I wanted was a girl that couldn’t roll through the tough times, so it was best for us to go our own ways. We are still friends.” I said while looking into her eyes and shooting innocent half smiles her way.

Basically what I told her was that while I should be engaged with a beautiful eastern European goddess, I found out that she was lame and I left in search for someone that can appreciate my hard work. Lucky for her she found me. Lucky for me she is taken. Lucky for me she is an honest chick.

“She’s stupid. Look at you, you have a great job, you’re laid back, good looking, smart, I would have waited.” She said looking deep into my eyes almost making me uncomfortable.

That ego stroke felt good, especially after losing my pride to a bi-coastal booty call with Daisy. I needed that.

“Yeah well she didn’t and that’s ok. Everything happens for a reason. Plus I’m having a really good time in my life right now. I meet a ton of interesting people and I live life by my rules. I dig it. I don’t know if I am ready to get into the next big relationship to be honest, life is just too much fun right now.”

“See I kinda feel like you do. I wonder if I wasn’t with my man if I would be having more fun or doing cooler things, but then I think about being alone and it bugs me out. I don’t like it. I’m not good at being single, I prefer to have someone.”

“It’s not for everyone.”

“So you’re not dating anyone or you’re not interested in anyone?”

“I’m not dating anyone, no. But I find myself oddly attracted to a friend of mine, still trying to wrestle with it.” I said with a look of confusion. Did I just make a revelation to myself? Funny how vocalizing something can galvanize it.

“How long have you known her?”

“I’ve known her for years, but only this year did we really start becoming close friends. She’s dope, but there are way too many complications and to be honest it’s just not a good idea.”

“Why?”

“She’s too good a friend. I wouldn’t want to ruin that.”

“See what I mean? Most guys wouldn’t care and would fuck up a friendship just to get ass.”

“Well I believe guys can be friends with girls, platonically.”

“I usually have a problem being friends with guy’s cause they usually end up wanting something more.”

“Well fear not, you got a friend in me. Nothing more.”

And like that she was charmed. I wasn’t lying about anything, I was being honest, and when girls take the time to get to know that side of me they see that I actually am a decent dude trying to do the right thing. We continued on for a while and we really dug into each others lives. I got to find out all her dirty little secrets, and she got to peer into my life. I wasn’t interested in her and she knew that. I wasn’t interested in a relationship and she knew that. Yet, somehow I felt as if she was attracted to me. The way she looked at me, laughed with me, and her body language. If I didn’t know any better, I might have thought she was mentally undressing me. I almost felt like a piece of meat (and I liked it). She and I have one thing in common though, we aren’t cheaters. She had a man so she did the next best thing. She passed me on to the other FA’s.


National Geographic can do a wild life documentary on Flight Attendants. They are just like a bunch of lioness’s looking for their alpha male. Usually the alpha male comes in the form of a pilot and if a flight attendant lands a pilot, you will see the rest of the flight attendants fall in line behind her. It’s really quite bizarre. They are very special personality types. They like being alone and traveling in the same circles. When they are away, they party like crazy and throw parties in their hotel rooms with other flight attendants. There is no honor in this world. As your host of Sux in the City’s “Wild America”, I felt the need to penetrate this subculture and discover what they were about, Velma was my key into their world.

The next day I flew home and went to work as usual. It was a normal day, everything was going well. Nothing was out of the ordinary. Then I receive an email from Velma…

Next up is our actual email correspondence where she tells me a little flight attendant secret. One that involves me.