Thanksgiving in Florida: Part 3 (Conclusion)

It’s 5:00 PM. Ashlyn calls.

Ashlyn: “So how was your week?”

This guy: “Pretty good man, I had a lot of fun catching up with old friends.”

Yes, I call girls “man” or “dude” sometimes. I never realized it was a problem, until recently when like 2 of them told me to stop doing that. Sorry.

Ashlyn: “That’s good, so are you ready for tonight?”

This guy: “yeah, I’m still trying to pull the plans together, but tonight is my last big night so it should be fun.”

Ashlyn: “So do you still want me to come out?”

Do I still want her to come out? I never said I wanted her to come out, in fact, I clearly recall her crashing my plans entirely on her own.

This guy: “Sure, I mean if you’re up to it, come through. There’s gonna be lots of people there so it should be fun.”

Ashlyn: “Cool, so what time are you headed over?”

This guy: “Not sure, I’ll keep you posted.”

Ashlyn: “Ok, don’t forget.”

This guy: “Impossible.”

Ashlyn: “I love you.” She said laughing. “See ya!”

There was nothing weird about that “I love you.” She said it like a friend says to another. I wasn’t threatened, but I was wondering if her coming out would be the best move. I didn’t want to play babysitter while I was hanging out with my boys. I thought about it for a little while then finally concluded that it was worth it, because who knows, maybe I can get a little nookie from it, right?

When am I ever right?

It was now 8PM and the plan was to go back to Royal Harem, get some free drinks, then head over to a small bar called the Louisiana Narrows and then finally end up at Element30 to finish the night off with some dancing.

I started trying to figure out where to tell Ashlyn to meet us when all of a sudden my phone rings. I didn’t want to roll with Ashlyn the whole night but she caught me off guard…

Ashlyn: “Did you forget about me?”

This guy: “No, in fact I was just about to call you/”

Ashlyn: “Sure, uh huh.”

This guy: “I was.”

Ashlyn: “It’s like 8 o’clock.”

This guy: “Yes, I know… you know how I do, the party don’t start for me till later.”

Ashlyn: “Well this is Orlando, everything closes at 3.”

This guy: “Oh yeah. Anyhow, here’s the plan. I’m headed to Royal Harem for a couple of drinks, then we are going to Louisiana Narrows and we’ll finish it up at Element30.”

Ashlyn: What time are you going to Harem?”

This guy: “Nowish.”

Ashlyn: “You weren’t going to tell me were you?”

This guy: “I was and I did.”

Ashlyn: “I know, I’m just fuckin with you. See you there.”

This guy: “Ok, later!”

Yes, I know I did it to myself.

So we headed over to Royal Harem where we began to drink for free. We only had about 1 hour until the free drinks dried up so we made the most of it. Me and my siblings quickly got our buzz going and were just about ready to head over to Louisiana Narrows when Ashlyn shows up.

Ashlyn: “I hate to be a downer but I’m really kind of broke right now, so I have to go and scam some drinks, I’ll be back.”

This guy: “Go do what you do best!”

Ashlyn: “Ok, be right back.”

I couldn’t believe I slipped that one past her. I would’ve taken it as an insult. She didn’t. That might be used as an indicator of her personality. Don’t get me wrong, I paint her like an evil wench, but the girl has a big heart. She still, in the end, is my friend.

So she does her thing and returns visually inebriated about 20 minutes later.

This guy: “So you having fun?”

Ashlyn: “Yes, I like being around you, I have to tell you something.”

This guy: “Oh yeah? What’s that?”

Ashlyn: “Well not right now, let’s get a drink first. Let me find someone to get me a drink.”

This guy: “Why don’t you just ask me? I’ll get you one.”

Ashlyn: “Well I didn’t want to abuse my privileges.”

I’m sorry, no. That’s not a privilege, but whatever, I let it slide.

We went to the bar, got our drinks then I asked her again about what it was she had to tell me.

Ashlyn: “Do you know that you are my number 1?”

This guy: “Oh yeah? Is that right? Well thanks.”

Ashlyn: “No actually you are my number 4.”

Trying to maintain the smile on my face as my instant demotion was handed out, I pressed on.

This guy: “So what does it mean to be number 4?”

Ashlyn: “Well my parents are numbers 1 and 2, my lover is number 3, and you are number 4.”

This guy: “Well that’s good I think.”

What do these numbers signify? How could I be on a scale with her parents and her lover?

Ashlyn: “You don’t understand. I love you. You are one of my most favorite people alive. You have always been there for me.”

Was she thinking about me or some other dude? Cause I have been in New York all this time and we seldom talk.

This guy: “I am number 4. Glad to be of service.”

Ashlyn: “If things were different, well….”

This guy: “Don’t finish that sentence. Things are not different. You are drunk, prally not the best time to tell me what you want to say.”

I was avoiding a seriously awkward situation.

Ashlyn: “I mean, I don’t usually bite people. I bit you, you know?”

I wasn’t really following what she was trying to say, I was more concerned about shit not getting weird.

This guy: “Listen, you were drunk. We all do stuff like that when we drink. No worries.”

Ashlyn: “Don’t tell me what is real and what is not?” Her voice was stern.

This guy: “Listen, I feel you.”

With that, I went back to my siblings and wrapped it up. It was time for Louisiana Narrows.

When we get to Louisiana Narrows, the vibe had changed slightly. She was a bit more stand offish and now she was with her friend. It turns out that they knew a bartender there and were getting all their drinks for me. I made note of the fact that not one single drink was offered to me. It was perfectly fine by me as I knew I was going to Element30 where our good friend Dj Clive would be able to hook us up with drinks. It was determined at that point that Ashlyn would not get hooked up.

We polished off a few drinks and finally headed over to Element30. Ashlyn was hammered. I was surprisingly soberish.

I walk in and all the usual suspects are there. Clive is rockin it, Ayden is dancing, and Tom is standing by the booth like he always does. The place was packed and it really was just what I needed to reconnect to my roots.

I greet the guys and grab Ayden to go get a drink with me. We got enough drinks for everyone including my sister and brother, but somehow I “forgot” to get one for Ashlyn. Woops.

This little game went on for the better part of the night, and eventually I was pretty trashed. This was the perfect opportunity for Ashlyn to corner me and push her agenda. She comes up to me in the middle of the dance floor and stops me from dancing.

Ashlyn: “Hey, remember what I told you earlier?”

This guy: “Yeah.” I said screaming over the music.

At that instance she leans in to kiss me. She manages to get a little bit of lip before I stop her. Why did I stop her? Because I didn’t want her to have her way. My ego got in the way of getting some action. Thanks to all the booze coursing through my veins, I cock blocked myself.

This guy: “What are you doing?”

Ashlyn: “Oh my god!”

And with that she grabbed her friend and ran to the bathroom. She disappeared for what must have been 20 minutes. I was feeling good about rejecting her. Who knows why? Maybe it was years of frustration with women that made me do it or maybe it was just me being drunk and stupid, point is, I felt alright about it.

She finally emerges from the bathroom and walks directly to me. She had this concerned look on her face. This is where we get to find out just how crazy some women can be, namely this one.

Ashlyn: “You know what I told you right?”

This guy: “Yeah.”

Ashlyn: “The thing about being number 4?”

This guy: “Yeah.”

Ashlyn: “I just want you to know… I mean… I think I fucked up…”

Was I getting another demotion? Did she forget to mention someone that would make me drop a few places?

This guy: “how so?”

Ashlyn: “I don’t want you to get the wrong Idea… but like… “

She was dragging this out like some daytime soap opera.

Ashlyn: “…I hope I didn’t lead you on by telling you that. I love my girlfriend. I don’t want you to think that I look at you that way. What I meant by what I said was that you are like one of my favorite people.”

I was so far from heart broken that I barely registered what she was telling me, Clive was playing some ill tunes and he just got done slamming Ayden’s new track. Far more interesting than the conversation I was having.

This guy: “Believe me, I didn’t take it the wrong way.”

It really wasn’t what she said, so much as the fact that she made out with me in New York, Bit me a few days earlier and tried to tell me that she only does that to her lovers, and that she tried to make out with me just now that kinda clued me into her ulterior motives. Now she is playing it off cause I shocked her ego by rejecting her. Can this get any more high school?

This guy: “Listen sweetie, I’m alright.”

Ashlyn: “I think I should go home.”

This guy: “Yes, you should.”

With that she left. This was a personal victory for me. Granted, I didn’t get any booty, but we all secretly knew that wasn’t going to happen. What I did do is take control of a situation and handle it my way. It was therapy for the ego. I ended up rocking out with my homies and having the best time ever. Clive tore it up that night, Ayden was in rare form and seemed happy to be there, and Tom was… well standing there by the booth, just like he always does. We all got ripped and the night came to a close. I was ready to go back to New York.

The trip to Orlando was a great trip and the time I spent with my friends was priceless. I looked back at a week of boozing and hanging out and I felt as if I had gotten a lot out of my system. Going back to New York seemed a little scary as I had not thought of Angelika the whole time I was in Orlando, but I knew I had some demons to face. Christmas and New Years were coming and I was not at all prepared to spend them alone.

There was one last thing I would have to endure before this vacation was over.

I hopped a plane back home.

The flight was smooth.

I landed.

My ride home was waiting for me.

It was Angelika.

Thanksgiving in Florida: Part 2

Phone rings.

Ashlyn: “Heeeeey Guy!” She says in her most seductive voice.

This Guy: “Ashlyn… how are you sweetie?”

Ashlyn: “Oh my god, last night was crazy. I got so dunk watching the game with my girlfriend, I feel like shit.”

This Guy: “Oh yeah, rock star night huh?”

Ashlyn: “Totally, what did you do last night?”

This Guy: “My little bro rented a limo and we took it all over town, it was fun!’

Ashlyn: “You took a limo last night? Why didn’t you call me?”

This Guy: “I was so caught up in being here and I had a ton of people I had to see, I wanted to give you a little more attention than that.”

Ashlyn: “Now Guy… that sounds like an excuse to me. You were afraid it was going to get out of hand if I came weren’t you?”

I really kind of was. When she drinks, she goes bananas. Last time I saw her was in New York, she came up to visit and party. It was me and 3 of them. By them I mean her and 2 of her stripper friends. Yes, it was great for the ego, yes it was a blast, yes we got drunk… All I know is that when we were leaving to go home we were all outside trying to grab a cab when took me and pinned me up against a fence and started kissing me… hard. I stopped her, because I was either drunk or gay, told her that I had to run… and jumped in a cab. I like to think I was drunk… everyone else likes to think I’m gay. Truth is, Angelika and I had just broken up and my heart still belonged to her. I couldn’t continue kissing Ashlyn because I felt so awful. I digress.

This Guy: “You? Out of hand? Impossible.”

Ashlyn: “You remember like 5 years ago when I came to New York and we hung out at Miss X?

This Guy: “Yes.”

Ashlyn: “Do you remember how much wine we drank?”

This Guy: ‘Yes, of course.”

Ashlyn: “Do you know that if you weren’t dating Daisy at the time, I would have fucked the shit out of you?”

This Guy: “Yeah, I was kinda feeling the same way.”

No I wasn’t. I just remember wanting to go home that night to hop in the sack with Daisy. Daisy was a fusion girlfriend. 1 Part rebound, 1 Part for real relationship. She is an heiress to a fortune and has never worked a day in her life. We had a lot of fun together and did a lot of great things, but it didn’t work out in the end because she WAS CRAZY! Completely disconnected from reality. The girl was used to having her way all the time and I couldn’t live that way. Se was insanely jealous of the ex before her whom I remain, to this day, best friends with.

Ashlyn: “I knew you were. I KNEW IT! There’s something about you Guy.”

This Guy: “Nah, it’s all an illusion. One day you’ll realize. So anyhow, what’s up for tonight?”

Ashlyn: “That’s why I’m calling you. I have to work until 8 tonight, but we can meet after that.”

This guy: “Aces, my sis and I are going to Royal Harem to get our drink on. You should come through afterwards.”

Royal Harem is where Ashlyn used to dance. It also happens to be where my brother Julien knows a bartender that would hook us up for free. Free booze = Place to hang.

Ashlyn: “Really, I haven’t been there in Ages, sounds like fun. I’ll call you.”

This guy: “Cool, see you there.”

I was still incredibly hung over but that was not going to deter me from meeting up with Ashlyn and finally sealing the deal. I mean it has been 5 years in the making; I owed it to myself and my friends (more specifically Jay, who almost made me sign a promissory note), to complete this seemingly simple task.

I spent the better part of the day asking my momma to make me food and bring me drinks and take care of me like old times.

At around 5 that evening my sister, Julietta and I headed out to the titty bar. Julien was going to meet up with us a little later. We were on a mission to take full advantage of the pre-drink. Thanks to Julien and his friend Conte, whose mom is the bartender that hooks us up; we would surely be able to make the most of it.

Pulling up to the bar was a bit strange for me. I’m not one for booby bars to begin with, but this would be the first time since my break up that I would see all these nude beautiful bodies with the lights on. I wasn’t sure how it was going to affect me, but I was counting on the fact that there was going to be a bit of the trashy sleazy element there to keep me focused on them and not my ex.

We make it in and it was kind of empty. We found a spot right be the catwalk which was positioned like an island in the middle of the room. Conte, who was already there, saw us, came up to us, and took our first drink order.

I waited eagerly to find a stripper I could call my very own. I always go into those bars looking for the one that appeals to me the most so that I can run away with my fantasies. A few girls had killer bodies, especially this one, but she had the battle of epic proportions going on in her mouth. This girl had more teeth than a shark; it was really quite unattractive. Conte, being a regular there, immediately started telling me stories about this girl and I later found out that she had an ill crush on him. Needless to say, she sat next to him pretty much the whole time, guarding the poor kid. If she was a cat she would have pee’d on him. The kid was tagged.

I was on my 3rd drink when I finally saw the dancer that stole my heart. I’m not sure if it was because she was actually hot, or because I had seen so many woofers that, in comparison, she looked like a goddess. She had black hair, dark eyes, pale skin, and some sexy tattoos. I reached into my pocket and grabbed my wad of 1 dollar bills, and headed over to tip her.

She looked into my eyes, gave me cavalier smile, and took my cash. Oh yeah, she was selling the fantasy. I decided to indulge and just pretend for a minute that she really did like me. The minute passed, and I was right back to where I was before, only 1 dollar shorter.

By this time Julien showed up with a few more of his boys. We all began to have good conversation, laughing an joking all the way. It was nearing 8, I still had not heard from Ashlyn. I wasn’t too concerned because hanging with my sibs was just as much fun.

Phone rings.

Ashlyn: “Hey baby, where are you?”

This Guy: “I’m here at Harem, where are you?” I said barely able to hear her over the gay ass music that was playing in this place.

Ashlyn: “I just got off of work, I’m headed over, are you guys still going to be there for a while?”

This Guy: “Yeah, we’re sitting here having a good time enjoying free booze!”

Ashlyn: “Free booze?”

From the sound of her response, one would think she just got turned on. I guess you can’t take the money hungry free loading stripper out of a… well, money hungry free loading stripper.

This Guy: “Yeah free booze. But it’s only for the next few minutes, Conte’s mom is about to end her shift.”

Ashlyn: “I might be able to make it for at least one free drink.”

This Guy: “Hurry up.”

I started to get my first taste of what the night would be like.

Guys, seriously, there is nothing enigmatic about a stripper. Taking one home isn’t some great feat either. These girls are notoriously lonely, money craved, and loaded with baggage. And just so you know, none of them ever actually finish that college that they are paying for with the money they make from dancing. All you have to do is give them a little attention, show ‘em you got a little money, and guess what? You got a titty dancer girlfriend. Then you get to deal with all the problems that ensue. Excessive drinking, partying, the whole getting naked in front of other dudes that grope them, and oh yeah, not being able to celebrate fathers day without them bringing down the mood because daddy didn’t love them. It’s not a fun ride. Well maybe the first night, but that’s it.

Ashlyn finally show’s up. Her hair was a little longer than I remember, but I didn’t particularly care. She started walking over to me, I stood up and started walking over to her. She started running. I stopped. She jumped up. I caught her. And there I was standing with Ashlyn wrapped around me in the middle of a titty bar. Did I mention that strippers like to make grand entrances? If they aren’t noticed by the whole world when they walk into a room, they short circuit. Ashlyn, was no exception.

Ashlyn: “Oh my god so good to see you. I love your hair, it looks so cute.”

It was jut cut feaux hawk style.

This Guy: “Thanks, good to see you too!”

Ashlyn: “Oh my god, so… wow… here you are. Man I always have such a good time with you, lets drink!”

This Guy: “I already got my drink over there,” I said pointing at the table “so why don’t you just go grab one and I’ll meet you at the table.”

Ashlyn: “No more free drinks?”

This Guy: “Nope you just missed it.”

Ashlyn: “Alight, give me a few minutes, I’m gonna walk the room and scam some free drinks. I can probably get the bartender to get some for me and the DJ as well, they all know me… be right back.”

Do you see what I mean? This is how they are. Scamming drinks. Running game… It’s all good cause I wasn’t the sucker… yet.


After about 30 minutes she returns semi-loaded. How quickly she caught up. We were all sitting having a good time when she showed up and suddenly the mood shifted a little. My sister and brother began to judge. I saw it their eyes. Every move she made, every word she spoke was being judged. I loved it.

Ashlyn: “Oh my god I just had 2 drinks and 3 shots… I’m pretty drunk right now.”

This Guy: “Slow your roll, its only 8:30.”

Ashlyn: “Whatever, I haven’t seen you in so long, today we are going to party.”

This Guy: “Promise?”

With that she stopped, looked deep into my eyes and…

Ashlyn: “Yes, let’s get another drink.”

Being the good guy that I am and tired of watching her scam drinks like a bottom dweller, I threw her a freebie.

This Guy: “Alright, this drink is on me.”

Ashlyn: “Ok, lets do a shot then.”

We walked up the bar where she promptly ordered some fucked up Jaeger Meister shot. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I am way too old for shots, but why the fuck not, I was on vacation.

We slam our shots. I don’t know what dirty Indian asshole tastes like, but it was probably something similar to this shot. I needed a sweet and delicious chaser.

This Guy: “Jack on the Rocks?”

Bartender: “No problem sweetie.”

My brother and sister had been sending me devious glances all night while I was in the company of Miss Ashlyn. I had to pacify them by buying their drinks. Well not so much Julien, but my darling sister was definitely bankrolled by me that night. It was a fair trade, she stops looking at me funny, I get her drunk and make her look funny.

Ashlyn: “Let’s get a lap dance” she says increasingly turning up her sex appeal.

This Guy: “I was just about to say the same thing.”

No I wasn’t. Why do I say these dumb things. The steering committee must have gotten to me in some subconscious level because what I was saying was mostly shit that I should say, not shit that I wanted to say. I never do lap dances in Orlando, they are infamously awful. Orlando is a no touch city, so really, they aren’t even lap dances, they are the so called “personal dances.” No touching, no rubbing, no smelling her perfume, just watching her do the same exact shit she does on stage from 2 feet away. But whatever, I was going with the flow.

We found my “favorite” dancer and called her over. To my surprise (sarcasm) Ashlyn knew her very well and started chatting it up with her. I didn’t have the heart to tell the dancer to stop talking as she was ruining my fantasy with every word that came out of her mouth so I just waited.

So I sat on this big comfy chair, Ashlyn sat on my lap, and the dancer began doing her thing from 2 feet away. I was thoroughly bored, but whatever. Ashlyn began to grind her bum into my lap. It started turning into a real lap dance. I mean I had the visual in front of me and Ashlyn on top of me, this was in essence a real lap dance by way of collaborative efforts.

It was getting good, I was feelin it, (Ashlyn was definitely feeling it… ew gross, sorry for the visual) and the dancer was doing her thing. But hen I noticed one thing.

Why the hell is the dancer not looking into my eyes. Why is she visually fucking Ashlyn and not me. I am the bankroller. I bought this dance. I need some more attention.

I let it slide for this dance, but the next one I swore would be mine.

The dance ends. I fork over my 10 bucks.

Ashlyn: “Want another one?”

This Guy: “Yes, but this one is for me.” I said loudly enough for the dancer to hear.

The dancer looked at me, acknowledged and began her dance.

At first it was pretty alright, she was looking at me, the eye contact was there, the moves were seductive it was nice. Then Ashlyn had to ruin it by trying to get her attention. How did she try to get her attention? She began her own little seduction dance on my lap. Suddenly the girls locked eyes and I was assed out. I would have fought for attention but there was a girl sitting on top of me. Kinda hard to do.

This was now 2 lap dances that Ashlyn stole from me. She comes into this bar with no money, gets trashed, and gets 2 lap dances. I had become the sucker. The dancer finishes her dance and apologizes for not looking at me. I tell her its ok, because I’m too timid to complain, and it ends. I give her another 10 spot and it was over… ok, well not quite, Ashlyn took one of my other 10’s and tipped the dancer with it.

Someone from Orlando please explain this to me. Why the hell would anyone tip a “personal dancer?” I already paid 10 bucks for the dance, she didn’t even make any kind of physical contact and now she gets a tip? This time I wasn’t too pissed because I took all the free drinks I had into account and it worked out alright.

So I go back to drinking. Ashlyn still sitting on top of me is now drinking from my drink. If I may, let me step aside for a minute and explain something to you folks.

The only person ever, EVER, who may sip from my drink without asking is my girlfriend. I don’t have a girlfriend right now, so that means no one has defacto rights. The only people who may drink form my drink are those that I invite to have a sip and those that ask politely. And lastly, ASHLYN, DON’T EVER, EVER, SEPARATE ME FROM MY JACK DANIELS… CAPICHE?

Annoyed as hell, I took my drink back and began to drink it faster. Now the very same dancer that we paid to dance came back, only this time to talk to Ashlyn. There I was like a schmo, with Ashlyn on my lap, and this girl having a conversation.

They talked about all kinds of uninteresting insignificant shit, when finally, Ashlyn challenges the dancer to turn her on. Now, it seems, I was the big winner.

This Guy: “Let the record state that I’m not buying a lap dance, no offense to you, but lap dances in Orlando suck.”

Dancer: “Hey that’s not nice.”

This Guy: “No, I didn’t say that you sucked, I said that lap dances here suck thanks to the no touch policy.”

Dancer: “Oh right. Yeah I understand. Well this is for Ashlyn, I owe her.”

She was clearly alluding to some kind of past they had together, I, just like before, didn’t give a shit, I just wanted to see this turn on thing they were about to do.

The dancer begins. Ashlyn begins gyrating as she was getting more and more turned on. There were moans, there were deep breaths, the occasional hot giggle, and me sitting there.

As this erotic challenge continues, another dancer appears. Completely out of the blue she leans over and kisses Ashlyn. So now there is a dancer dancing, another one kissing her, and me acting as a chair. I later find out that the girl that kissed her was her ex girlfriend. Nice. My exes don’t do shit like that.

Ashlyn now so turned on, turns and looks me straight in the eyes. She leans in and gives me this erotic lippy kiss. One of those almost kissing you almost not kisses. I was into it. I could dig it. She pulled back, looked at the dancer, then went in for the full blown kiss. I was very drunk and very happy at that moment. Then as if over taken by demons, Ashlyn pulls away. The look on her face was evil. It was lustful evil. The kinda look a pissed off dominatrix makes. It was kinds scary and hot all at once. She leans in, but rather than kissing my lips, she mashes her teeth into my shoulder as she kept gyrating on my lap.

It was some crazy sadist shit and she was full throttle. She bit into me as hard as she could. She was in bliss. Me? I was screaming like a woman.

This Guy: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What the hell are you doing? That hurts!”

She pulls back.

Ashlyn: “You think that hurts?”

She comes in again only this time she clamps down on my other shoulder. She got a full bite. I had no choice. I gabbed her by the head and peeled her off me.

This Guy: “You are fucking crazy! That hurts like a bitch, why’d you do that?”

Ashlyn: “You don’t like that?”

This Guy: “Fuck no! “

Ashlyn: “Oh my god, I’m sorry.”

And just like that she snapped out of it.

Ashlyn: “I got to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

I was so pissed off at what just happened. Upon further examination I noticed that she drew blood. That was not fun at all. I had enough by this point. Tonight was no going to be the night. I needed to level the playing field and make her understand that I’m not one of her stupid ass customer’s that love having their money taken. She is fragile. I knew just how to do it.

Ashlyn returns from the bathroom.

This Guy: “Yo, you need to go home. You are a mess right now. Can you have some one drop you off?”

Ashlyn: “You want me to go home?”

This Guy: “Yes, you’re a mess. I want you to get home safe to your girlfriend.”

The mention of the girlfriend was a painful reminder.

Ashlyn: “Maybe I should go home.”

This Guy: “Yes. You should.” I said sternly.

Ashlyn eventually secures a ride and makes her way home.


I spend the rest of the evening with my sister and brother. We eventually leave and do some bar in Northern Orlando. We all end up having a good time, getting pretty smashed and going home.

The next day I open my eyes having little recollection of the ladder part of the night. My throat is dry, my eyes are crusty, and my head is throbbing. I grab a drink of water.

Phone rings.

Ashlyn: “Do you hate me?”

This Guy: “For what?”

Ashlyn: “I just know I got home kinda early, I don’t remember anything. What happened? Did I do something stupid?”

This Guy: “Other than leaving your dental history on my shoulders, you were fine.”

Ashlyn: “I did WHAT?”

I wasn’t buying the lost memory story, but I humored her.

This Guy: “You bit the hell out of my shoulders.”

Ashlyn: “No I didn’t, did I?”

This Guy: “YES! I am looking at my shoulder right now and I can see every tooth in your mouth. In fact, you need to get bicuspid 13 checked.”

Ashlyn: “Oh my god.”

This Guy: “Oh my god what?”

Ashlyn: “I must really like you; I only do that to my lovers.”

Did she just say what I thought she said? Did she just try to run game to reclaim cred? Lover’s? Like now I roll with her lovers as having been one of the few privileged enough to have been marked by the vampires?

This Guy: “Well I guess I’m an honorary lover. Listen, I got to run, I got a nasty head ache.”

Ashlyn: “Wait, are you sure you’re not mad at me?”

This Guy: “No, I’m not.”

Ashlyn: “So are we going to hang out again?”

Here’s the move.

This Guy: “Depends, I have a busy schedule with a ton of people to see.”

Ashlyn: “That’s not fair, I cleared my schedule for you.”

This Guy: “I saw you last night.”

Ashlyn: “We have unresolved business.”

This Guy: “You decided to try to eat me instead of taking the opportunity.”

Ashlyn: “I’m so sorry. Look what are you doing Friday?”

This Guy: “Element30, Clive is spinning.”

Ashlyn: “I’ll just meet up with you there.”

This Guy: “Alright, just call me, we’ll sort it out.”

And like that I flipped the script. She had to work for it. Maybe now she will appreciate her time with me more. Maybe now I can make good on that promise. Maybe now it’s on my terms.

Keep glued to this page as the next post takes us to another extreme. It is a Friday, Ashlyn calls, plans are set, we will end up at Element30 but first she has something that she wants to tell me. Correction; something that she needs to tell me…

Thanksgiving in Florida: Part 1

Florida:

I arrive in Orlando on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. The weather is amazing and I was feeling great about being there. This in many ways is home for me. I spent my formative years here. This is where I became well acquainted with the night life, met amazing Dj’s and musicians, and forged friendships that would last a lifetime. My pop picked me up from the airport and we began to catch up like one can only do in person.

I knew this trip had great adventures on the way because my brother, the social being that he is, always has some crazy shit planned. I was also supposed to meet up with Ashlyn, a former stripper with a voracious sexual appetite and lust for the party. She “cleared” her schedule for me and I was obligated to spend time with her. The outlook was good... Not too shabby.

I make my way back to the old house and greet the rest of my family; my 2 brothers, my older sister, and my mother. I set down my stuff, and I quickly settle into the sarcastic, loud, and obnoxious tone that our family is famously known for.

First to greet me? My momma.

Ma: “Hey Baby,” she says holding my cheeks “what do you want to eat. I will cook for you.”

This Guy: “I don’t know ma, I’m not really that hungry, I’ll rock whatever you make later.”

Ma: “Ok. “

This guy: “Wow ma, the floor looks so nice!”

Ma: “You like it? The man who did it did a really good job.”

This guy: “I love it!”

Ma: “You know your momma. Only the best!”


Next? My Sister Julietta


Julietta: “Hey guy, good to see you.” She said giving me a hug.

This guy: “Good to see you too! Your hair looks nice like that.”

Julietta: “Thank you, I like it darker too.”


Last? My Brother Julien


This guy: “What up Jules! What the dilly yo?

Julien: “What up… Guuuuuy! You ready to do it big?”

The sly smile that came across his face could only have meant that he had some crazy shit planned.

This guy: “What you got?”

Julien: “Yo, this shit is gonna be off the chain son! We rented limo. We’re doing it big. You’re not ready. You’re not ready.”

This guy: “Nigga YOU’RE not ready.”

Julien: “HA HAAH!”

That was not a laugh. That was quite literally him going “HA HAAH!” as his voice ascends in pitch.

Julian is a key player in his circle of friends. He has a ton of friends, and he’s always the center of attention. Maybe that’s just my perspective but if you didn’t know any better it would seem like he runs shit. All his little female friends love him and that just serves to inflate his already gigantic ego.

I take my stuff upstairs and walk into my old room. Now I would like to say that I walked in and things were exactly as I left them. I would like to say that my sweet mother hadn’t changed a thing because she knew that when I came home I would be her little boy back in his little room. I would love to say all that, but I can’t because my mother doesn’t sit still for shit. My room looked like a Caesar’s Palace novelty room. A California king size bed with big ol’ palatial posts and lush comforters and sheets with high thread counts. And you know what I say every time I come back home? “Wow ma, the room looks nice!” Because every time I come back home the room looks completely different.

When siblings leave the house, my mother breathes a sigh of relief as she can now finally redecorate the room and repaint it and re-carpet it and regurgitate everything she learned on The Learning Channel. But you know what? Every time I go home, it feels like home.

Anyhow, I drop my stuff, go back downstairs, grab some food and begin to banter with the fam. We started getting excited about what the night was supposed to bring. This was going to be the first time me, and all my siblings would hang out in Orlando, more specifically, in a Limo in Orlando.

Julietta had lived for ages in Las Vegas, so partying is in her blood. She was excited and ready to rock out. She is the oldest of the siblings so being in her company is a lot of fun as she is closest in age to me and can relate to me at a much older and wiser level. We both knew that we would be partying with a mix of late teens and early twenty something’s and found that to be the main attraction of the night. It was as if we were both reliving our younger more irresponsible days.

Slowly but surely the kids started pouring into the house. Julien with his masterful laziness had arranged so that our house was the limo pick up spot, everyone was to meet there. As an added bonus, my more reclusive brother, Ethan, had decided to join the party as well. This was a full on reunion.

Everyone started gathering in the kitchen. Julien and Ethan, who are only one year apart were greeting their friends and pouring drinks. Julietta and I hung around the periphery judging his friends ruthlessly. Julietta and I have always been able to connect in evil ways, and poking fun at Julien’s friends that night was that connection.

As the pre-drinking commenced we started getting louder and more excited. I had bought myself a bottle of Jack Daniels and was already on my 3rd Jack on the rocks. Julien’s friends were all sipping on gay cocktails and beer, mostly because they were in their early 20’s and have yet to figure out the mysteries of drinking. Bourbon was still gross to them. When asked “How the hell do you drink that shit on the rocks?” by the rookie drinkers I simply responded “You know what I love about Jack Daniels? That it comes pre-mixed, just add ice.”

Those words rang through their young furtive minds like those of a sage spilling his wisdom to his pupils. If I am making them seem like young, semi-retarded children with fake ID’s, it’s completely on purpose, because to me, no matter how old they really are, no matter how mature they really are, they will always be my little brothers friends and in my mind, my little brother is still 8 years old. I like to say that I’m respectfully condescending.

In all honesty though, they are the funnest bunch a kids one could ever hang out with. I suppose I am envious in ways because they all love to party together and the times that ensue can only be characterized as wild.

To pass time a little quicker, Julietta and I decided to play the “who does this person look like game.” That’s where you pick a person and try to find a matching celebrity. This can usually be pretty insulting but it was all in the name of good fun. We managed to find 2 Anna Nicole Smiths, 1 Backstreet boy, and 2 of the Gotti children from the show ‘Growing up Gotti.” The night was young and the sarcastic asshole in both of us was sharp and ready to cut. Sarcasm is a defining trait in our family and Julien had gotten it down to a science. During a smoke break I encountered on of Julien's friends.

“Hey how’s it going man, I’m Julien’s older brother.”

“I know you; I met you a couple years ago. You don’t remember me?”

“Ahh yes, before you hit puberty.” I said still not having a clue when I met him or if I even recognized him.

“Wow, you are just like Julien only older.” He said with a laugh.

“Julien is just like me!” I responded.

I finished my smoke and went back inside. By this time we had everybody in the house. Equal amount of guys as there were girls. We were only waiting for the limo. Julietta and I and were done playing the “who does this person look like” game and were ready to party. Before long, the limo arrived and we all began to pile in. Julietta and I entered and made our way toward the front of the limo. We sat together near one of Julien’s ex-girlfriends; Maggie. She was almost like family to us because she made her way into all our hearts with her simple, almost lost, personality. She’s a little bit of an airhead, but she is a sweet heart. Julien, much like me, contains the “remain friends with your exes” gene. We started talking and joking around. She was a cool girl when she dated him and not much had really changed since they broke up what must have been 4 years earlier.

Everybody was in the limo and drinking. The limo driver refused to close the privacy window so we were subjected to the no smoking rules. Maggie took it upon herself to fix the situation. She leaned through the privacy window and asked the limo driver if we could smoke. After some smooth talking and bribing, she managed to afford us the right to smoke weed. The limo driver was dead set against cigarette smoke, but he let us smoke week without a problem. I, myself, am not a pothead, so I didn’t partake, but the rest of the 20 something’s were blazing like a Florida wild fire.

What did I do? Sipped on more Jack while I tried to manage the contact high. Julietta did the same.

The limo was to take us to down town Orlando where the plan was to hit Nikki club. I had another agenda. I used to Dj down town and I had plenty of friends to meet up with. My great friend Dj Clive was spinning at Element30 and all my other homies had gone down there to hang. I invited everyone in the limo to come along, but I knew house music wasn’t really their thing. A few followed me, my brother and sister included and we all got in without a problem. The rest went to Nikki Club.

Already pretty trashed, I made my way back to the DJ booth where I saw the usual suspects. Seeing my old friends brought back a surge of memories and ridiculous times that reminded me exactly how much I was engrained in Orlando.

This guy: “What’s up SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!”

Ayden: “SCOOOOOOOOB!!!”

Ayden and I once went to the winter music conference in Miami and roomed together. I had a cold and sounded like Shaggy so the running joke was that we called each other scoob in celebration of our cartoon like friendship. We still do it. I know, it’s gay, but that’s what we do.

Ayden is a tall lanky metrosexual with thinning hair but style that can fall under the category of “Fabulous” or “Punk Rock.” Either/or… doesn’t matter he likes to call it “giggin.” Ayden and I met a while back when he was first starting to break into the music scene. He ended up becoming Clive’s number one groupie and eventually we all became friends. He started collaborating with a bunch of people and eventually carved a name out for himself. He’s the musician of the bunch. Ayden always has to be the center of attention, which is great because he’s funny as hell. He’s sharp, he’s witty, and he’s an all around good person.

Ayden: “Good to see ya scoob.”

This guy: “Yah man, it’s always a pleasure.”

Ayden: “So how ZIT going?” He says pointing to the middle of his forehead.

Ayden likes to make fun of me for some zits I used to get way back.

This guy: “Good man, it’s good to see you ROGAIN!” I said making fun of his dangerously thin hair.

Ayden: “Hey you’re a ZITicen right?”

This guy: “Yah my pop had the presence of mind to COMB OVER when he was young. I was raised here, why do you ask?”

Ayden: “It probably wasn’t very PIMPLE was it?”

This guy: “Well he probably had TUPEE a lot, so I can’t imagine it was.”

Deadpan delivery. This is so normal, we don’t even flinch anymore. We always agree that the next time we see each other we are going to punch one another then hug, because often we cross the line. This was tame compared to some of the other ones we’ve gotten into.

The next guy I see is good ol’ Tom. Tom the ‘light man’ is what I called him. He used to be the lighting guy at a big club that I DJ’d at. He’s a weirdo but we love him. Very stoic and dry, but a good person none the less. When he goes out to the club, it’s strictly to drink and stand by the DJ booth like a security guard. He don’t move, he just stands there. He don’t dance or bop his head, he just stands there. Occasionally he will wave you over and tell you to listen to the song, but that’s about it. Either way, I walk up to him, give him a big hug, and say what’s up!

This guy: “What up Tommy?”

Tommy: Hey guy, good to see you man. This place is pumpin. It’s early still, but you should have seen it last week, it was nutz!”

For some reason every time I come to Element30, I miss the insanely packed week before. Don’t get me wrong, every time I have been there it has been a thick crowd, but Tommy always catches the party where you couldn’t move and it’s always the week before I get there.

This guy: “So it was crazy huh? I miss this place man. I miss this music.”

Tommy: “Dude, it was so packed in here you couldn’t even walk.”

This guy: “Damn man, wish I was here a week earlier, well I’m here for a week so maybe next Saturday it will be crazy again.”

Tommy: “Don’t you wish you lived here again?”

He always does that. He loves to sell Orlando to people. He Is convinced that New York doesn’t compare to Orlando because of the music scene. I disagree, and so do 9 million other people, but that’s just us.

This guy: “Yah man I miss it. Gimme a few more years in New York and who knows…”

I don’t really have the heart to tell him Orlando sucks.

Tommy: “I’ll buy you a drink.”

This guy: “Cool, let me say hi to Clivey first.”

I walk into the DJ booth and there he was. My partner in crime. The single most influential person in my Dj career. This kat was pretty much responsible for every gig I ever got in Orlando and he’s a full on staple of the down-town scene.

Clive spots me first…

“GUUUY!!!!”

“What’s cookin Clive?”

“Not much man, just rockin out!”

“Pretty hot shit man, look at this crowd. I miss this shit man.”

I really did miss the crowd. I missed Dj’ing. I missed all the trouble we got into.

“It’s weird because sometimes it’s slow, and other times it rocks, it kinda just ebbs and flows.” He said screaming overtop the music.

“Well it looks like I picked a good night to come out man!”

“Yeah man, it should be pretty good.”

With that I left him to the turntables, he was about to start making a mix and I was about to grab a drink. I was already pretty dunk but a drink still seemed like a good idea.

This is where it gets a little crazy. Tommy ends up buying me a drink. I kill it. Then I go to the bar with Ayden and we order drinks on Clive’s tab (with his consent) and kill those. Before long it was later in the night and my sister decided she was going to head over to Nikki Club with one of my brothers friends to “Check out the Scene.” She took a couple of people with her. I stayed and drank some more.

I was falling into my usual routine. Here I was hanging out with my younger brother and I was trying to be “cool.” Drunker and drunker I got.

The limo was set to leave in about 45 minutes so I had to leave Element30 to meet up with everyone else at Nikki Club. I said bye to all my peeps knowing I would seem them again later in the week and stumbled over to Nikki Club.

There I found everybody else. I also found the bar and 2 more drinks. This was not going to be a very good night. Everybody rounded up and headed for the limo.

So why am I telling you all this in such great detail if I’ve yet to write about a single girl that has caught my attention?

Reader: “What’s with all the set up Guy?”

This guy: “Well…”

This is about to get pretty interesting. The set up was to illustrate how rapidly I was declining and succumbing to the effect of alcohol, It was to introduce you to characters you will inevitably read about again, and it was to remind you that I was hanging out with a bunch of early 20 something semi-retards that love to drink and have a good time. My brothers friends are my friends and I say “semi-retard” as endearingly as possible. Lastly I want to remind you that I’m heading back into a limo with a bunch of completely inebriated people. The following is some bizarre twilight zone shit.

I climb into the limo and crawl back into the same seat I had before. I found my quarter bottle of Jack Daniels and began to pour myself as well as my sister a drink. I was expecting her to sit next to me again, but she found a better place to sit. Right next to one of my brother’s friends where she could canoodle safely. No biggy, Maggie was sitting next to me and she would be more than happy to take the drink.

The limo was loud and obnoxious. Even my brother Ethan who is normally pretty quiet was in frenzy. I could barely speak or move so I sat back and observed. I watched Julien egg his friends on to do stupid shit for his entertainment. Someone busted the weed out and the limo got even dumber. I was starting to feel ill, so I laid my head back and just chilled out. I couldn’t close my eyes because the spins were severe.

Julien turns to his ex Maggie and says “Go ahead, do it?”

What was he talking about? “Who knows” I thought, I was drunk, the conversation wasn’t for me anyhow.

Suddenly as if she had been waiting all night, she leans over top of me and begins to kiss me. That’s right! Julien’s Ex girlfriend began to eat my face. I was so drunk that I went with it for 3 seconds before I realized just what was going on. I stopped her.

This guy: “Whoa, what are you doing? You’re crazy! Yo Julien, take care of your girl here.”

Julien: “What bro?” He said pretending he didn’t see anything?

Maggie leans in again and manages to steal 9 more seconds. I was stupefied. She was blurry and on me and I was helpless.

This guy: “Yo Julien, what’s going on yo? This is so messed up!” I said half laughing and half delirious.

He looks to Maggie and says “Go ahead kiss him!”

Maggie was taking orders from Julien mostly because she wanted to jump my bones. I was not having it but it was happening. My brother was amusing himself with the fact that he knew I was uncomfortable as fuck with the situation and was too nice (or too drunk) to tell her to stop. This was some seriously dysfunctional shit. You know why my brother didn’t mind? Because he had his hottie girlfriend sitting right next to him. That’s how that fool rolls. In a limo, with a girlfriend and his ex, and he gets his ex to kiss his profoundly drunk brother. Julien was the big winner that night because he had orchestrated some scandalous shit. Thankfully Julietta was completely oblivious to what was happening because she was too busy cuddling with her new friend.

We’d been had. The 2 oldest and supposedly most mature siblings were the 2 at the bottom of the barrel fighting for our dignity. Gotta love them kids.

I eventually got her to stop, passed out in the limo and awoke to the limo driver kicking us out of the limo nearly 1 kilometer away from home. Completely irresponsible of him. Not because we were drunk and had to walk, but because we were 15 of us and those little shits like to start trouble. Not to mention, there was no way I was getting out of that limo. He would have had to pick me up and drop me on the ground and knowing my 2 younger brothers, that would had been justifiable cause to whoop that poor unsuspecting limo drivers ass.

Maggie once again comes to the rescue, talks some sense into the poor bastard and gets us all home safely. I run inside, up the stairs, strip to my undies (which is how you know I was drunk because I never sleep in my undies, I’m a pajama’s kinda guy) and knock out.

Julietta took her new friend over to the couch downstairs and passed out in arms. It was cute (said in the most pukingly disinterested kinda way).

Word was that Maggie was looking for me before she left to say “bye” but never found me.

I awoke the next day with a massive headache and dry mouth. This was day one of my week in Orlando. So now the stage is set. You know the people, you know the place, you know the twisted minds that live in Orlando and best of all you got enough background information to fully appreciate what happens in the days to come.

Stay tuned as I make good on my promise to spend time with Ashlyn, the former stripper with a penchant for This Guy. We meet up at a Strip club, we get drunk, she gets physical… Is it a good thing? For me, usually not. This night was no different.